Giraffes...

There is this 3rd grade teacher here at school and she was up teaching math at the board ...subtracting, borrowing, checking your answer, etc...when a student(boy) raised his hand...the teacher went ahead and called on him, assuming he didn't understand a particular step in subtraction...She called on him and he said "Reckon how long it takes a giraffe to vomit??"

God is so Good..

He has carried me thru the weekend. I have had a really good weekend with my children. They are so precious and I thank God everyday for them. They really amaze me and I can't believe I have got such good children..I surely don't deserve them...but here's what happened.
They both had to teach Sunday School for youth Sunday. As I already told you about Lukas' lesson, Morgan sat on the bed on Sunday morning and told me her lesson. She was gonna teach on the Armour of God. She had two thoughts. The first one was that the amour was tailor made for her...and my amour was tailor made for me...and she said "God knows where we are most vulnerable at and he makes our amour stronger in that area"....That was awesome!!!! I really was beaming with pride...then her second thought was about the shield of faith...she was gonna give a quote of Martin Luther King Jr...it says Faith is taking the first step even when you cannot see the entire staircase...
Then she had another thought about the sword...it is the Word of God, right...well she was talking about how you used a sword and how in order to win a battle, you had to become familiar with it...and it takes practice to use it and keep your skills sharp...
Wow, what thoughts, right??? I was so impressed...
So how did it go? Well, they said Lukas got up in front of the men class and was looking everyone in the eye...not dropping his gaze and said..."how many of you like chocolate" and none of the men raised thier hand..and he said..."hmmph." He then later told me his thought was..."well, old men don't like chocolate, I did figure that out!!!" ROFLOL!!!!
Morgan was amazed at what all worked into her lesson..she said that she couldn't believe all the stuff she was able to say...I told her that was God filling her mouth and that was the way Preachers were dependant on God to tell them what to say...

So today at 3:30, I will be signing "the papers"...I dread it...I know some of you may say I am stupid, but this was not the plan I had for my life at all....but if God is letting it happen, then it is his plan...I have prayed all day and last night for him to have mercy on Tom and even me.... I am afraid of the wrath of God, but I couldn't stand it if something happened to him... I took a picture of my wedding band and ring...just so I would have a picture of it...of course all kinds of things go thru your head...memories, mostly....like when he asked me to marry him...like when we were married and he first put my band on my hand...he did live with me till death do us part...cause I feel as if my heart is actually dead today.
God, please hold your arms around me to keep me from crumbling...I am broken, but if I fall apart, we might not be able to find all the pieces.

Luke's message

The children found out that they had to teach a sunday school class for youth sunday. Lukas has to teach the men's class and Morgan has to teach the ladies...so of course this panics them and they start immediately telling me about it when we get into the van after church Sunday night.
In the midst of that conversation, Morgan wants to share what she and Hunter "found" in the Bible while they were looking for a verse to put on the bullitin board in thier room. So she gets her Bible and starts to read from Matthew...about Divorce... Matthew chapter 5;32...But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
I really wanted to laugh...I don't know why...but I did tell her that I had not been perfect in my marriage to her Father and that God had forgiven me...What Tom does is up to him...then we got into the conversation of a "willful sin" and how there is no sacrifice for that and usually if you sin willfully, you will be punished by God. So...Lukas says..."Mom, it's kinda like if the devil and sin were a sugary sweet chocolatey piece of candy and on the other side you have a healthy 4 course meal that is God...9 times out of 10, you are gonna choose the piece of candy..."
Me and Morgan just looked at each other in awe...I mean, WOW...what an analogy!!! Morgan proceeded to tell him how this would be a great lesson for the men's class....so he sat there and thought a bit...then he said, well, my teacher told me a story in 2nd grade...there was this boy who loved chocolate...he wished for everything that he put in his mouth to turn to chocolate...now this wasn't good since he had a habit of chewing on things....after his wish came true he had an important test to take in school...while he was taking the test, he stuck his pencil in his mouth and it turned to chocolate...this became a big burden for him and soon he was loosing friends and everything.
Now, I did quote him the verse that says there is pleasure in sin for a season and last night I had to show him where it was in the bible... now, if you think of sin like this, there is a really good lesson in this...we want the worldy stuff, we want the good things...but then if becomes a bother to us...and then it ruins our life....Lukas totally got this...it was so awesome to see the thoughts just running thru his head...he was just talking a mile a minute about it...then he wanted to call and tell his daddy...
Another quick note....The janitor at school is a preacher and a Godly man...he met the kids the other day and hung around to talk to them a few minutes. He came back in my office the next day and said, "I saw something special in that boy of yours..." I don't know what it was, but he teared up and said, "I would be very careful...I wouldn't do anything to ruin his walk with God" (He does know the situation in my life right now...)
well, I feel like I am just jabbering...

kid quote...

I had a 1st grader come into my office..now it is not unusual for him to come in my office complaining and he usually does it about 2-3 times a week...but he is the cutest, little boy, I always humor him...he is very mischievous and gets into trouble frequently, but I just love him....so today, in he walks...
"Ms. Sherry...when I came in from outside, it hurt right here" (pointing to jaw)
"Oh no, sweetie, what happened" (I didn't see anything wrong...)
"Well, it feels like my brain is falling apart right here" (once again pointing to jaw)
Of course I take a penlight and look inside his mouth to make sure his brain wasn't falling out...
and it wasn't, sure enough...

But it was all I could do to keep a straight face...

I dread..

I really dread Valentine's Day...I need to spend it with my single girlfriends, right?? Tom and I never did anything special, but for a couple years in our early marriage, we always went and rented a cabin alone...but I need to keep the memories at bay, right??!!! For all my married friends, please remind your spouse how much you love him and how much he means to you. If you are not feeling it, then pray that God gives it back to you. I promise no matter what you are feeling today or tomorrow, you do not want it to dictate the rest of your life!!! I know many times in my marriage, I felt I could do without Tom; I felt like I would be better off without him...I didn't want to hug or didn't want to kiss him...and I would have to pray for God to help me...I had to pray for him to restore the love feelings...If you are married, it is because God put you together. YOUR VOWS WERE NOT MEANT TO BE BROKEN!!!! Don't let the devil have them or help break them. I have heard of numerous couples just in the past 2 weeks that have split up, or getting divorced...I mean, the devil is truly on a rampage...if he can get your home, then the children are easier to get...If he can get your children, he can probably get you to give up...Support one another, pray harder than you have ever prayed for your marriage...even if things are going well...cause you never know what tomorrow holds...I have said it here before that since Tom was a Pastor/Minister, I really thought that my marriage would never be destroyed...but little did I know... My Dad always said... it takes just one pinprick of sin and after awhile, it turns into a sore that destroys everything. I truly don't want anyone else in this world to go thru what I have went thru and if I can say anything to help anyone, I want to...I am praying for your marriage...whoever may be reading this, I am praying God protect your marriage.

Eye of the Storm

I am really trying to seek the will of God in all my endeavors...I think that Tom and I are going thru this for a reason...I don't know what it is but I do know that I can say that God has revealed so much to me...and really... I don't feel totally molded yet...I think there is much more for me to learn. My life is not gonna get any better yet...I feel like I am meant to learn this lesson and until I do, I am gonna endure. It is almost like I am in the eye of the storm.
For two days, I have been able to use my experience to help someone who is contemplating going thru divorce...and to be honest, you really can't empathize with someone unless you have went thru the same thing...Is this God's calling for me? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? What is left for me to learn....I have prayed for about 2 weeks now, Lord, show me what you want me to learn...so for now, I am just keeping my eyes and ears open...waiting on the Lord.

Vote for my kids please..

I need everyone to go to this site and put in a comment the number of your vote...my kids picture is # 28..you can vote once per day...

http://mohawkmemoriesphotography.com/blog/?p=78#comment-379

If you cant get to it here, just go to this link http://www.mohawkmemoriesphotography.com/#
and click on enter blog...then go to contest for
Feb. and scroll all the way to the bottom and click on someone else's comment and it will have a blank comment form...thanks so much...and don't forget to do it every day...oh, and tell your buddies too..LOL
I have enough friends that I should be able to win this thing!!!!!

Thanks!!!

Hugs...

Ok, So I am PMS-ing...yes, things ALWAYS seem twenty times worse during that time...I am always soooo lonely during that time...I always cry more during that time...BUT...I think this time I have only cried twice...;) I am doing better!!! I cried from hurt at a family member who made me feel really uncomfortable about this whole situation...then last night, I saw a husband on TV hug his wife while celebrating a victory and it made me cry...I mean, do you know how long that it has been since I have had a hug...not just any hug...but a hug from a man..not just any man, but a full, both arms around me, taking me securely in his arms and hold me close type hug...I never realized how important a hug was...I really am amazed at the importance of a hug...I need to write a story in Chicken Soup for the Soul....ROFLOL!!!! no, seriously, I knew I always felt safe in Tom's arms, but I didn't really realize how much. I didn't realize that that was truly my "safe place". Ok, enough about hugs...LOL

Lukas is in trouble...

I grounded him...he called me at work to ask me where a ruler was that he needed for Math...I instructed him to go ahead and finish the rest of his homework, but he didn't...when I got home he had 28 math problems that weren't hard, but still, he should have gotten it done!!!! So, I grounded him...No phone, no Wii, no TV, no computer...till Friday. Oh, bless his heart, now I want to pet him...LOL I'll leave that up to you all!

Still Angry...obviously...

I feel that I am over my anger...My anguish is dissipated. At least I thought it had...till I was sitting at the lunch table today with a bunch of teachers and looked over and saw one of thier very pretty wedding set...and I got Angry! Angry that I don't have husband and she does...Angry that I don't have a set on my finger. Angry that her dreams are being fulfilled...Angry that if she can keep her man, then why can't I?
I really didn't realize there was so much anger still there...but it is...just below the surface...just waiting to jump out at the most unexpected times.

The youth trip..

The youth at our church took a field trip..they went to the Haven of Mercy to serve the homeless and then present a program for them. It was a real touching site. For a long time I have had this desire to go on a mission trip...well, every since I worked in Morristown and saw really what a need there is for missions and how great we got it here in America...but anyway, back on track...at this homeless shelter, there was approx 60+ men, with about 5-6 women and at least 2 children that I saw there to get food for supper. They had pot roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, something else I can't remember...but then at another table, they had a salad, bread and dessert pastries. Thanks to the local grocers, (Food Lion, Panera and Atlanta Bread) they had donated thier old bread to the shelter which I thought was real nice...It was explained to me that when they got to much bread, or it all wasn't eaten, they do give out loaves, bagels, etc. to the men who don't live in the shelter to take home...if it is not all distributed, they take it to the local farm shelter, where men are living and farming for food and they eat it or if it is too old, they give to the hogs for food...Pretty cool, huh... but once again, back on topic...LOL There were men of all ages...I think maybe the youngest looked about 16 or 17 and the oldest look well into his 70's. Some men looked rough, others looked like they weren't afraid of hard work. Some looked like they needed compassion. Just a hug I think would have made thier day. I saw some very sad countenances that night...but they ate very heartily...
After dinner was cleaned up, most of the men sat down anticipating the program. Usually, since the ministry is Christian-based, the men who stay at the shelter have to attend church services there every evening...so our youth performed a song/verse performance called "Journey of Praise". It really had an awesome affect on each man there and this is not just speculation. They received standing ovations and approx 50% of the men were actually worshiping along with them. It was truly awesome!!!! One man stood up and asked for them to come back soon. This man was the one who had recently stomped out and didn't want to come to any type church service...God truly worked thru those children that night and even the children got a blessing. It was a awesome experience...

What in the world am I supposed to learn...?

I told Lukas the story of Job last night...how his end was greater the first...how he got back double(or more?? my mind is blank...) of what he had to begin with... how that God let him go thru the trial and it made him stronger...I think the story was more for me than him...LOL...Tom actually said that maybe it was the judgment of God on me....but I don't feel that way. I feel like I am just getting stronger. I am gonna come out victorious....in the end...at one point, I really thought I was gonna quit....quit what? quit trusting in God...quit living....just give up...I even considered checking myself into a mental hospital...I really thought I was loosing it...but God has really answered someone's prayers, cause I am so much more mentally stable...I really feel like this all will end one day and I will be okay till it does...
But anyway, I did go out on the porch the other night and looked up at the sky and said...."God, whatever it is I am supposed to learn, I hope I hurry up and learn it..."

• The refridgerator is leaking in front of it...and no one can figure out where it is coming from...my floor just keeps getting wet...
• I was eating supper the other day and looked down at the bottom of my island in my kitchen and noted the board was wet....??? We can't figure out where this water is coming from, since it is nowhere near the refridge...
• Mom called me at work yest and said, Sherry, all under your bathroom sink is soaking wet, but I can't figure out where it is coming from....
  
• My heater on the van is stuck on Defrost and the back heater will only work if I am accelerating
  
• My bathroom heater tore up....
• My curling iron tore up...

All this happened within a week....ARG!!!! So What in the world am I supposed to learn...?

It is done...

Well, according to Tom, it is done...I have to review the papers and agree with the conditions...whether I sign or not, in 90 days, I will be a person I have never been...divorced. But I am still waiting on God to intervene...Some says this may be God's will...I don't think so, and my reasoning is that God doesn't put a family together and then agree for it to be torn apart...My God is bigger than that...God has shown me numerous things and verses and songs to help me get thru this day by day...so I know he is here with me...I dreamed about Tom last night...just that he was kissing me...what is really funny is that I ususally dream alot...and this is maybe only the first or second time I have dreamed of him...
What counts right now is that I am handling this ok...

Lukasism..

I have another Lukasism...He just totally amazes me at the comments he comes up with!!!!
So I had a migraine headache last week. I am lying in my bed in silent and it is about 8:45pm...I put kids to bed at 9pm every night...so he comes stomping in my room and walks up beside my bed and says..."I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!" What??? he then proceeds to say..."I'm putting my foot down, I am not going to bed anymore at 9 o'clock! I am gonna go to bed when I feel like it! I am the man of the house now and I am gonna choose to go to bed at 11pm tonight...."
Despite my headache, I had to laugh....I mean, really, where does he come up with this stuff!

My first Wedding...

I am by no means a wedding photographer...I just like to have people as my puppets...LOL...I like to pose them, and catch the smile... I actually thought I was getting better at catching emotions...but maybe it is because I am so "down" and shooting it was hard...really....but anyway, the couple was great and looked gorgeous...so here are a few...
critique welcome!!!!!

When will the fight start???

I do not want to fight...my heart can't take it. I don't know God's plan, although I know he is with me and helping me. This weekend was actually 4 months that I have been without my love.
I go see the lawyer on Friday Morning at 7:30. I don't even like lawyers...I had one lie to me one time about a patient that I was caring for...so I know...it is just one of my pet peeves...but it is something that I have to do, obviously...but the thought this morning and last night is that God comes just on time...I don't know when that will be...I don't know how far this will get...I don't know what my future holds, so until then, I will continue trudging along...going thru the motions...if it takes fighting, then I guess that is what I have to do...but like I asked my Mom last night..."How would you feel if you had to take everything away from the man you love?" I mean, I can't imagine how in this world I will make it thru this...
Each night when I start to sleep, I pick up my Bible and before I randomly open it, I ask God for what I need...Last night, it was simply a prayer of "God, I need something...just anything to remind me that you are here with me..." I opened up my Bible, randomly and it came to Hebrews Chapter 11...the Faith chapter as I call it...now, in my crazy mind, the devil popped up and said, "Now, there can't be anything in this chapter that will help you. You know it is just about the Faith Warriors..." But in spite of that, I started to read...."Now Faith is the Substance of things hoped for...the evidence of things not seen..."
And it, of course smacked me right in the forehead...God was telling me to have Faith...to keep up the fight...to not give up... and I cont reading.... at verse 6, I had always heard the first part...actually the whole verse, but never had focused on the last part...it says..."He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek him"...Wow..so if I have to fight, there will be a reward, if I have to go thru with this, I will be ok...


Now, tomorrow, when I post that I can't take it another step, God will have to be here to help me again....Isn't it amazing how God gives you just what you need when you need it...and it only last till he gives you something else....?

Something I have never done before...

I sit at my desk for some time today just staring at the screen...on the screen, there is a phone number that I need to call...I need to call a lawyer and make an appointment...I just can't bring myself to do it...I just can't dial that number...I never usually have stomach trouble, but my stomach is hurting and so upset, I could barely keep lunch down...
so...I ended up calling...ended up with an appointment Friday at 7:30am...ugh! what a way to start a day. It was the hardest thing I have ever done...

At the Bottom...

I don't feel I can take anymore...I am at the bottom.
I am tired of people saying I should move on...this man is the father of my children...
I have been in love with him for at least 20 years...
Yes, to the public I may seem strong...I don't like to show emotion...just part of my stubborness...
but I am at my breaking point.
I do not want to move on!!!
I am not complete when Tom is not around...for 15 years, if I was somewhere and he was not, I felt empty...till he walked in the room. Then I was complete. If I was expecting him, I wasn't at peace till he go there. I am part of him and whether he likes it or not, he is part of me. We are one...how can people say to move on????
I keep thinking I am gonna wake up from this bad dream. I keep thinking it will be over tomorrow...that this will end...
I keep thinking that the pain is gonna go away...but if someone looses a spouse to death, it is insane to ask them to get over that spouse in 4 months. Most people feel numb for the first 6 months at least with a death...so why do so many people think I am supposed to just get over it???????
There are even some people wanting me to date so and so...I mean, really, would you ask a woman to date someone who has lost her spouse to death 4 months ago???
I know, I know, it is people who haven't went thru this pain...you can't imagine how lonely I feel. Yes, I have friends and family on every hand, but it is not the same.
My life has stopped for the past 4 months. I haven't accomplished anything. I am like a robot moving just because I have to. I feel depression setting in..I really just want to stay in my bedroom with the door closed and talk to no one or see no one...and I know, as a nurse, what all to do to help myself, but I don't want to do anything.
Not only am I hurting, but I have to sit and watch my kids hurt...I have to watch them miss him.

Don't feel sorry for me....I can't stand pity...just have some respect for me and my feelings!!!!!

I am doing better mentally...yes, I haven't posted in a month...I just can't blog when I am so torn up...KWIM??! I have prayed and prayed and God has truly helped me get over alot of my anger and bitterness...It is amazing really...I won't go into details now, but I do want to say that I listened to Higher Ground's preacher and he had a message that was from Jeremiah 31;27...I am the Lord your God...is there anything too hard for Me....Awesome verse and it gave me alot of strength...more later, gotta run...

Heaviness...

The weight of its presence causes shoulders to stoop, eyes to darken...I think the bible talks about the spirit of heaviness... Proverbs 20-12:25 Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.
You know how funny it is when you are in a situation and you are always trying to analyze...always trying to fix whatever is wrong...I have got to stop...I have to let God have control...Morgan has told me several times that I need to let God take control...I am such an evil person...I have so much bitterness and anger pent up within me that I can't be my normal self...no wonder he don't love me...who would??? Not me!!!! I have got to journal or something to get rid of all this...and I have got to pray!!! If God has forgiven me, then I HAVE to forgive him...
Matthew-6:14&15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Is it possible that I am barking up the wrong tree...?Can it be that we are not meant to be? He told me once again this morning that it was over...that I needed to get over him....that as soon as he had the money, he was going to see his lawyer....that he was happier than he had ever been...said he was now questioning if he had EVER loved me or not...
So now, of course I am questioning my whole marriage...was he never happy?? Did I make him that miserable...? Am I that hard to live with?? And he expects me to get over this?? Just like that I am supposed to move on??? I know I have been a horrible Christian, but can God please give me some consolation...I am almost to my breaking point...I mean mentally...Last night after this, I was on the verge of getting in my car, driving till forever...never contacting anyone...but my kids kept me here....then I thought of taking hundreds of pills to just get rid of this feeling I am continually feeling in my chest...I really need God...I need some comfort..I need something...!!!!! Can God hear me? I know this has gotten totally off base, but I have got to have some relief...I could type things here that would blow minds...but that is useless...I know what it is...he said that after Christmas he was getting a divorce...and the closer Christmas comes, the more sicker I get...I can't go thru that!!!!!! I can't! What am I missing..what should I be doing??? I can't stand it...Thanksgiving has been so hard...I love the holidays...and to know that I will have to go thru one of my favorite holidays without the love of my life...well, I just can't! My kids are so affected... but he don't know...he doesn't know that Lukas is becoming a mommy's boy more and more...he wants me touching him all the time....he wants to wrestle more and more with other men...cause I guess he is not getting much man attention at home...God, is this my punishment??? If it is, just let me know and I will try to handle it...I need so much help...God is the only one who can fix this situation....fix me...Maybe I need to move on...maybe I am praying the wrong prayer...maybe my children are supposed to be raised by me without a father in the house...maybe I am not worthy to have happiness...of course I have satan sitting on my shoulder telling me that everything I have done for God is useless...was to no avail...I know I am a sorry person...I am just getting what I deserve...