Psalms 61;2b

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I

Thursday, January 08, 2009

At the Bottom...

I don't feel I can take anymore...I am at the bottom.
I am tired of people saying I should move on...this man is the father of my children...
I have been in love with him for at least 20 years...
Yes, to the public I may seem strong...I don't like to show emotion...just part of my stubborness...
but I am at my breaking point.
I do not want to move on!!!
I am not complete when Tom is not around...for 15 years, if I was somewhere and he was not, I felt empty...till he walked in the room. Then I was complete. If I was expecting him, I wasn't at peace till he go there. I am part of him and whether he likes it or not, he is part of me. We are can people say to move on????
I keep thinking I am gonna wake up from this bad dream. I keep thinking it will be over tomorrow...that this will end...
I keep thinking that the pain is gonna go away...but if someone looses a spouse to death, it is insane to ask them to get over that spouse in 4 months. Most people feel numb for the first 6 months at least with a why do so many people think I am supposed to just get over it???????
There are even some people wanting me to date so and so...I mean, really, would you ask a woman to date someone who has lost her spouse to death 4 months ago???
I know, I know, it is people who haven't went thru this can't imagine how lonely I feel. Yes, I have friends and family on every hand, but it is not the same.
My life has stopped for the past 4 months. I haven't accomplished anything. I am like a robot moving just because I have to. I feel depression setting in..I really just want to stay in my bedroom with the door closed and talk to no one or see no one...and I know, as a nurse, what all to do to help myself, but I don't want to do anything.
Not only am I hurting, but I have to sit and watch my kids hurt...I have to watch them miss him.

Don't feel sorry for me....I can't stand pity...just have some respect for me and my feelings!!!!!

1 comment:

Dianne said...

Sherry - Obviously no one can tell you how you're going to feel or when you're going to feel it, even someone who has perhaps gone through something similar. I imagine well meaning friends just don't know what to say and perhaps that's when it is best to say nothing at all, but to be there for you in body and in spirit. I'm sorry for the heartache you are feeling and will continue to lift you up in prayer. "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22.

Love ya!