Thursday, November 27, 2008
You know how funny it is when you are in a situation and you are always trying to analyze...always trying to fix whatever is wrong...I have got to stop...I have to let God have control...Morgan has told me several times that I need to let God take control...I am such an evil person...I have so much bitterness and anger pent up within me that I can't be my normal self...no wonder he don't love me...who would??? Not me!!!! I have got to journal or something to get rid of all this...and I have got to pray!!! If God has forgiven me, then I HAVE to forgive him...
Matthew-6:14&15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Is it possible that I am barking up the wrong tree...?Can it be that we are not meant to be? He told me once again this morning that it was over...that I needed to get over him....that as soon as he had the money, he was going to see his lawyer....that he was happier than he had ever been...said he was now questioning if he had EVER loved me or not...
So now, of course I am questioning my whole marriage...was he never happy?? Did I make him that miserable...? Am I that hard to live with?? And he expects me to get over this?? Just like that I am supposed to move on??? I know I have been a horrible Christian, but can God please give me some consolation...I am almost to my breaking point...I mean mentally...Last night after this, I was on the verge of getting in my car, driving till forever...never contacting anyone...but my kids kept me here....then I thought of taking hundreds of pills to just get rid of this feeling I am continually feeling in my chest...I really need God...I need some comfort..I need something...!!!!! Can God hear me? I know this has gotten totally off base, but I have got to have some relief...I could type things here that would blow minds...but that is useless...I know what it is...he said that after Christmas he was getting a divorce...and the closer Christmas comes, the more sicker I get...I can't go thru that!!!!!! I can't! What am I missing..what should I be doing??? I can't stand it...Thanksgiving has been so hard...I love the holidays...and to know that I will have to go thru one of my favorite holidays without the love of my life...well, I just can't! My kids are so affected... but he don't know...he doesn't know that Lukas is becoming a mommy's boy more and more...he wants me touching him all the time....he wants to wrestle more and more with other men...cause I guess he is not getting much man attention at home...God, is this my punishment??? If it is, just let me know and I will try to handle it...I need so much help...God is the only one who can fix this situation....fix me...Maybe I need to move on...maybe I am praying the wrong prayer...maybe my children are supposed to be raised by me without a father in the house...maybe I am not worthy to have happiness...of course I have satan sitting on my shoulder telling me that everything I have done for God is useless...was to no avail...I know I am a sorry person...I am just getting what I deserve...
- That I have two children...cause I have to be strong for them and without them, I would be in a mental ward somewhere...
- That I still have emotions to feel anger and hurt and sadness...that means I haven't went totally out of my mind yet
- That my children still have a relationship with their father
- That my home has seen love...lots of it...at least that is what I thought...
- That I am alive, although most of the time I feel dead on the inside
- That God is still in control...although I have a hard time letting Him take control
- That my secrets are revealed only to God and he has forgiven me and understands me like no one else
- That my pride is not as powerful over me as I thought it was...
- That I still have to hold my head up, no matter what I think people think of me...
- That I have a church to go to that helps me carry my burden
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
This is a casual picture of me and him at the Fun Fest 08 in Kpt, TN. I really thought everything was perfect...or did I? I don't think I focused enough on my relationship...just took it for granted that we would always be together...
Had a bad day yesterday...just lonely...you know what I mean...I told someone it is like half of me is disconnected from my body. There is not 15 minutes that go by that he is not in my mind...hard day!!! This is one of my favorite pictures of him that I took a while back...he doesn't have his beard here...
Friday, November 14, 2008
This is a church that sits about 3 miles from me in another direction. It is called Dodson Creek United Methodist Church. I really wasn't trying to get it to look spooky, but I did like the grungy affect here...
This is a church about 3 miles from my house...It is called Hugh's Memorial Primitive Baptist Church. It is actually pastored by my first cousin's husband. Tom has preached here before and has also held revival here. It just looked to pretty sitting in the trees in the fall, I couldn't resist a picture session.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
This is what I am currently reading...go check it out...everything I have heard about it is good, so I am on the second chapter...The Book is called The Shack...go read it...or borrow mine when I get done!!! LOL Notice I have lots more time to read since I don't have Tom around...kinda keeps me busy...gotta stay occupied. Gotta keep my mind occupied...
The other Art I experienced this weekend was the movies...Before Tom moved out, I had asked him to go see a movie with me. It was called Fireproof and it was made by the same church who produced "Facing the Giants".
It is one of my favorite movies, and now the new movie, Fireproof, is again a very good movie that I think every married person should see. No, for those of you who want to know, it did nothing for Tom. LOL
So, go see Fireproof, or rent it as soon as it comes out...it is worth it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It did keep my attention, so I have started on the second in the series called The Second Summer of the Sisterhood... here is a link to go read about the characters and decide if you want to read it... Anyway, that's what I am doing these days...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Last night my verse that I opened the Bible to said...And the God of peace will bruise Satan under your feet shortly...(Romans 16;20) I think it is just so encouraging to know that I can just pop open my bible and ask him for something to help me and this is the type of things I get...Wonderful, Merciful Saviour
Monday, October 20, 2008
Croptoberfest is at a baptist youth camp, named as Camp BaYoCa, hence the first two letters of baptist youth camp...and it is in the mountains of Wears Valley...no phone service...no phone period in the area where we stay...we stay in bunkhouses that have 8 bunks in each side...bathroom with two showers and stalls... then we scrap in the dining hall...we just basically leave our stuff out all weekend and scrap as we want to all weekend...we borry other tools and ideas from everyone else...demos from other people are cool too...
so anyway, here are some pictures of layouts I done at the fest... the first one is a two page spread of Jaida on this last Easter... it was still kinda nippy, hence the jacket...
Tom resigned from the church yesterday. He was feeling so much pressure from "life" he almost could not handle just breathing....I don't know what God's will is, but rest assured it will be for the best...remember, all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. He did say he felt relieved...Tom has alot of other decisions to make that are gonna affect me and his family in the coming months, please pray again for God's will. I have talked to him till I'm blue in the face, but the problem is that it is hard to lie to God...and when you want something totally different from God's will, it is very hard to accept...Tom doesn't even want to pray for the right thing to do, because he knows what is right and that God may send him in the "right direction". I told him last night I was gonna pray the "wrath of God" down on him...LOL.
I am not saying I know God's will, but there are some things and ways that you just know is not God's will...he kept saying "what if" last night...I said, Tom, that is just the devil telling you that, because God would not approve that!" So, please just pray....He has agreed to make a final decision by the first of the year. This will be a very trying time for me and I will need all the prayers you care to give me!Oh, and I don't want to forget the kids...Morgan and Lukas had a really hard time, Lukas more than Morgan...he cried for most of the day yesterday and his little eyes were still red this morning....broke my heart..Please pray for them...Morgan is more like Tom and keeps her feelings in and Lukas is more like me and has a softer heart....Kinda weird...I wouldn't have thought that I had a soft heart. I don't think I do, it is just that I can only take so much and then I do break down...
So as of now, I am no longer a Pastor's Wife...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I have fell in a pit of quick sand and can't get out. I think I am near the top, then I loose my grip and sink back in. I can't pull out...I can't make it any longer. Please, God, help me. Please...
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Here is the link to 2 more sneak peaks of Morgan and Lukas..she did a great job!!! I am so thrilled and want to work 90 hours a week so I can buy them all!! LOL
Anyway, go check them out!
Friday, October 03, 2008
I really thought it brought out thier fun personalities...and Lukas' dimple is shining...too cute!
I hope I am not in the mood to spend money when I see the final proofs... She is working on more tonight and will have more of us posted later, I will send a link...
Tuesday, Morgan had a hormonal breakdown early in the morning...mostly because I had told her that her duffel bag was not to be used as a book bag and the strap came loose as she was going up the steps to catch the bus...well, this was icing on the cake, because she had already gotten up with only 30 minutes to get ready for the bus. Tom had told me last night that he couldn't take the kids this morning, so I went up and set her clock for 5:30 and her phone for 6:00...still she didn't get up.
So after having a screamin fit, saying "Why does my life have to be this way??? I can't handle it" I just told her to come back inside and I motioned for the bus to go on. (then all day I worried about Lukas, since he was on the bus expecting the driver to wait on her) But, I left Morgan with Mom and Jaida and she had a day to rest. Lukas had practice this afternoon and Morgan actually went to sleep in the car while I studied my Intro to Psychology.
Wednesday, Tom called and said he was working the floor at the nursing home and if would be great if I could come in and work from 4pm-7pm...Morgan has practice this afternoon, so I picked up Lukas from school and this is what I done...got the Pal's on the way home to eat, since it was almost 8pm.
Thursday, I am so tired and I go straight home after having a bad day...chest pressure-wise, worried, and I get Morgan's fuzzy blanket and lay on my bed and doze off to sleep...Lukas comes home in about 10 minutes, but he doesn't wake me, although I hear him come in....then I wake up at 4:20 to take him to football practice. Morgan is gone to her game on the bus with the school. It was too far away and she isn't playing much on varsity anyway, so I didn't go.
At football practice, I can't go back to sleep in the car, so I read..I am reading Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks so I read some...Tom comes, which ends up not being a good idea at all. I go to the nursing home to take Lukas to see Tom since he has to work graveyard, which will make him working 24 hours, I go get him something to eat and decide to just work a little since I have to wait in town for Morgan to get back from her game...(they won) come home and can't sleep because of chest pressure and caffiene!!! Talk to Tom on the phone for a little while, then I toss and turn all night..
Friday, plan on going to the Cherokee Ballgame tonight since it is homecoming and the kids are saying all thier friends will be there...
Saturday, plan on going to Dollywood since Jason Crabb will be there in concert....
"to become different in some particular way, without permanently losing one's self or its former characteristics or essence."
I usually like change... I hate change...so what are my thougths on change? Change happens and for the most part, I can handle new situations. But lately, new situations are NOT what I need. I do not need change. I need stability. I need the comfort that comes from stability. The definition above is correct, but this time, I think I have lost myself. I think I am not changing very well this time. I am at fault for it all. I am the one who grabbed change by the horns and took it. I do not like change. Sometimes, change is for the better, not this time. I don't think I need to change. Things were fine the way they were. well, not really, but it wasn't change. It was the same. What made me think I wanted change? I am changed, forever, and I will never be the same. I never want change again. I want the same. I want to be assured that things are the same...forever... CHANGE..right now, I hate it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I cannot register until the spring session, so that will be in Jan. 09...so in the meantime, I am gonna try to CLEP out of several tests...right now I am working on Intro to Psychology. Will keep you posted!
Monday, September 22, 2008
WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Sherry
Friday, September 19, 2008
I am at work, I hear someone yell, "Call it, Call the code" When I noted that it was my patient, I took off to the room...Another nurse had beat me there, and she immediately started CPR. As I stood and attempted to ask the resident if he was okay, I hear his ribs cracking....I expected that, but really didn't expect to "hear" them. She compressed about 4 times, and stepped away to reach the ambu bag...I start in compressing... I totally expected the bones to be already broken and no more to break...Unfortunately, I was wrong...Each time I compressed, I felt the bones crack and break, numerous times underneath the pressure. It was literally like I was crushing the person's bones into a million pieces!!!! I know, this is harsh, but after about 4 compressions, the other nurse was back and said, Sherry, do you want me to relieve you? I say, "yes, please...I have never done this before..!" I didn't have time to think of the feelings I was having, as I continued the ambu bag, and other things waiting on the EMS. When they arrived, they hooked him up to the defibrillator...I thought, oh my gosh, am I gonna be able to watch this?? Am I gonna be able to watch as his body comes off the bed???? When they say all clear, I am thinking, okay, do I look or turn away?? What do I do??? Fortunatly, they had some sort of rhythmn so I didn't have to see that... But I will tell you a funny part...they asked for a suction machine... so I ran out the door to get them one from our crash cart...came back in, wasn't in the room for no more than 1 minute and they asked for a different tip for the suction...so, I ran back out to get it, was looking up the hallway, grabbed for the drawer to pull it open, and already had my body in a backward motion when I realized that the cart had been moved... so down I went, right on my butt in the middle of the hallway....It was totally hilarious!!!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Listened to music...some praise and worship music...looked at the creation and what God had created...
Needless to say, I wasn't stressed anymore...who cares if I am not in control of things...I don't need to let it bother me!!!!!
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
now, I asked Tom what this meant, cause even though I know quite a bit about football, I wondered how this ranked....obviously, your defense is a good "side" to be on...I mean, you are stopping the other team, right....? Anyway, made Momma proud!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
First off, you should know that he spends more time in front of the mirror than Morgan does... his clothes has to be "stylin" and he takes great pride in how he looks in the mornings...so...with that said, at the football game Friday night, he and Tom went to the Cherokee ballgame... he let Lukas go a couple of risers down to sit with friends. The next thing you know, Lukas has one girl sitting at his side and ONE ON HIS LAP!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!??? Tom says he just kept watching them....but never said anything to him...
He says he is dating a girl at school also. I noted on his homework that he had a little booklet that asked about what he liked most about school. He put "all my friends, and that I am dating one of them."
Then, last night, we were talking about his day and he is speaking of the girl that was sitting on his lap and he says, "every time I looked at her, she was just smiling this little smile...she was cracking me up."
The boy acts just like his DADDY!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Finally getting back in a routine
Early alarm clocks (four goes off in our house each morning)
Lukas shower each night
Morgan shower each morning
Cook supper or not???
Sign Homework folders
Get snacks for the day each morning
Read AR books!
New friends, old faces
Tired all the time
Sierra had her baby yesterday...she is fine and he is beautiful....his name is Lofton (SP?) Xavier Looney...what a pretty name...
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
This is exactly how I feel...she said it great!
"Pastors may feel prepared for the lifestyle, but, says one study, 84% of wives don't. "I had no clue how to be a pastor's wife," says Amy Andrews, 32, a mother of two in Rochester, N.Y. After nine years, "I still don't." (from a TIME mag article)
I thought I knew what it was like to be a Pastor's wife...I mean, I had lived all my life in a Pastor's home! What else could there be?? Well, I NEVER had an idea!!!! I mean, what really strikes me most is the Mother Hen feeling that me and Tom have toward the church...we don't want anyone to hurt them or destroy them. When God used the word 'Shepherd', it was totally true...cause I can't imagine how much more that Tom feels like this...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Well, in the last 4 days, I found out that it is a bird landing on the branch...so is the weight of the bird making the branch scrape my window? still couldn't find no place where it was touching, but I vowed to myself I would cut the branch...just in case I was missing it...The noise got worse and more frequent...to the point that it woke me up on Saturday morning, and on Sunday Morning, woke me up at 6:40am!!! I was irate!!!!! So I stood and watched...a red bird was sitting on a branch and all of a sudden would fly into the window....SMACK!!! The kids tell me that it is also doing it in the living room and foyer window...they call it the retarded red bird...we even explored the possibility that it could be blind..I mean, what bird would intentionally fly into something...don't they have a radar against such things...well, maybe it couldn't see it...??? I am confused, but I do know one thing..I have to stop the bird, cause I have to work graveyard for 4 days this week and I will need to be sleeping...So this morning, I send Tom on a mission...go kill the bird...now I know, I know, I am not a person who is intentionally trying to kill animals or birds, but this bird needs to be put out of its misery..I mean, something is definitely wrong with it, right??? I hear a gun shot and later he says he wasn't shooting "at it" (yeah, whatever...isn't that what all men say when they miss....)LOL
I even get on the web, look up the bird...he is red all over...has an orange bill and a black mask....yeah it is a Northern Cardinal...doesn't say nothing about them being mentally challenged, though...Tom laughs at me for looking it up on the web...
I go to church, ask a bird lover, also ask a vet student...no one knows anything...
So, tonight after church, I go to my parents house and mention it to them...they tell me that it is a superstition that someone is going to die in that house...okay, so that is freaky!!!!! Who is gonna die??? Me, Tom, Lukas or Morgan....???He then tells a story about my neighbor who's grandmother passed away in the last couple of years and there was a red bird that pecked on their window...Well, naturally, Morgan freaked out when I got her in bed and started bawling, swearing that it is Tom that is gonna die on his flight to Wisconsin on the 10th...(another story) but anyway, I calm her down and look on the web...All I can find is that there is no superstition....
I Do find out that a red bird is very territorial. Your typical Red birds that you see are male...(the female has more brown in her feathers...)So this is definitely a male and I find out that alot of people have them pecking on their windows...they see their reflection, think it is another bird, and is trying to fight it...makes total sense...so it said to tape a white paper to the window, so it can't see it's reflection and that would be all it would take...so that is done...let's see if it works!!!!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Are you ready for this???
"You know, Mom, it is the ball sack at the back of your throat!!!!"