Psalms 61;2b

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I

Monday, March 30, 2009

Back to school...

Well, I have had spring break...not much of a break to me...I worked that entire time...but since I don't get paid at the school, I had to do something...LOL I worked graveyard alot and lost alot of sleep...I am so tired today...I think it will take me months to get caught up!!!! At one point in the week, I had had 11 hours sleep in the last 75 hours...the 11 hours were not together either...4 here and 5 there and 2 later..UGH!!!! I love my sleep too much to be missing so much...
I am not sure where my work future is leading...I think there is a job that has a $4 increase in pay that will be coming open soon....want God's will...the thought keeps coming to me that sometimes, it don't take a rocket scientist to figure out what to do when God sends something your way...Iam just praying...nothing definite yet...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

On My Crazy Side...honest..I am craz~~EEEEY!!!...(Diet Dr. Pepper High)

Okay, so I on Fri morn, I get up at about 6 30am and proceed to get ready for school...go to work for a relatively boring day....(important fact....>) I forgot and drank a 12 oz can of Diet Dr. Pepper for lunch...knowing that I can't sleep well with caffeine, since I usually only drink it on weekends...(stay with me here, this is relevant...) so I go home at 3pm as usual...but since I have to work graveyard (12 hour shift) tonight, I have time to grab a small 2 hour nap...oh, but I forgot...I'm not sleepy at all cause I drank Dr. Pepper!!!!! But..I lay down anyway and basically sleep..but a very non REM sleep...So, at 6:00 I get up and proceed to go to work..I do have a can of Diet Dr. Pepper in my bag, because I usually use it to keep awake...
la la la la ala....I'm working...I'm working....it's 11:00pm..I'm hungry...my plan is to get something to eat and drink my Dr. Pepper...well, I go out to Sonic...and think..well, I might want cherry flavor in my Diet Dr. Pepper...so I order a Rt 44 size Diet Dr. Pepper with cherry flavor....ok...not really thinking that 44 means 44 ounces ....I know 44 means the largest size...but heck, it is my bedtime... I am allowed to not b thinking right now....LOL (trust me, it gets worse..)
So I love Dr. Pepper...my fav drink...I told someone, it is my "beer" Thar aint nuttin like a cold swig of Dr. Pepper...
Yes, I drink it and proceed thru the night...come 7am, I am still working...could actually leave for home now, but also can stay and finish this or that...so that is what I do...finish this...finish that....not a bit sleepy...although I have been up for 24 hours basically at this point...25 to be exact...8am...still at work...9:00am...still at work...not sleepy...actually feeling pretty good...9:30...someone says "are you still here??? didn't you work last night???" 'yeah, but I need to finish this....' not sleepy...10:00 am...I am not sure really what time I clocked out to go home....sometime after 10 I think...(it still gets better...I told you I was totally crazy!!!)
I walk to my car...WOW, what a BEAUTIFUL day!!!! The sun is shining...the birds are chirping...it must be 50 degrees already...( I look at my car therm...it is 42...) Ok, so my thoughts are ramblin...I'm gonna stay up for awhile...no, I really need to sleep....I drive thru town, contemplating going to Walmart...or going to visit my niece...or stopping and eating breakfast...not a bit sleepy....oh, I could get my oil changed, since it is about 5000 miles overdue...so I whip it into the Lube Xpress...get an oil change...who knows what time it is...heck, who cares??? I am going home to clean my house...kids are away in Johnson City..it is a beautiful day...going home...okay...we get a bit tricky here...I have been awake for about 28 hours now... on the way home, I start thinking of me and my troubles...and I start crying...just bawling...(don't feel sorry for me...this is funny!!!!) I mean just sobbing...and in the midst of my sobs, I keep yawning...sob...sob....yawn...sob...sob...yawn...now if you have never done this...beware, cause it kinda stimulates your gag reflex and really...you think you are gonna puke...I mean, this is weird..I don't know whether to cry, yawn or puke...AND....I'm driving 60 mph down the road...I am totally crazy...I told you....
So, I compose my sobbing, yawning, almost puking self and think what a comical scene I am..and then on top of all that, I start laughing...God forbid that a cop is following me...I mean, what would someone think??? Well, just exactly what you all are thinking right now....
Oh and BTW, I really honestly believe that when I cranked my car after the oil change that it ran smoother...reckon??
Oh, and another thing...I am home...it is 12 noon and I might go to bed here in a bit...
Someone remind me never to drink 44 oz of caffeine when I am planning on sleeping in the next 48 hours....!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Alot of Blogs...LOL

Geez...I have blogged more this month than any month this year!!!! Lots of action going on in my brain...could have to do with not having any adults to "communicate" with...yes, I get small talk, but poor Tom had to hear my ramblings constantly...and God bless the poor kids of mine...they don't care about my ramblings...:)
Last night I was at work and a poor resident was sitting beside me and we were talking and she asked me if I was married and I told her not anymore and she wanted to know why, etc...this lady has Alzheimers, and she probably forgot the conversation as soon as it happened, but she said something that stuck to me...and it hurt...
She mentioned that she was married to and then she added sarcastically...yeah, I'm the mother of his children...so I wanted to keep her talking as I could sense something way deeper in her comment... she went on to say how he had left her unexpectedly...she said..."That is a hurt that goes so deep...a hurt you will never get over" she got teary eyed...she pointed from her throat to her stomach and said..."you wonder why it hurt you so deep...but it is something you never ever get over..."
It made so much sense to me...she felt exactly what I was feeling...and to think that this was a lady who couldn't even remember the conversation 5 minutes later, but she still remembered the hurt from many years back...She never married again and still carries his name today...yes, she went on to become successful, and I'm sure lived a successful life...but to say she moved on...no..she didn't...

Compassion...(20th)

Today, I want to pray for my children to have compassion... Compassion for the lost, compassion for the sad, compassion for the lonely, the sick, the poor, the rich...

Compassion is described as being deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

Colossians 3;12 says Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering...

The words "put on" reminds me of "to clothe" ...So I like to think that as God's elect, we need to put on mercy, kindness, meekness...humbleness of mind is important here too...so many people let satan build them up in their own mind and it causes all kinds of trouble...

Lord, I pray that my children will be able to put on compassion...to be deeply aware of others suffering and wish to relieve it..

I sometimes think my personality make people think I am hard-hearted...I don't like to let my feelings show and I know it comes across as being non-caring...I blame that on the Richards part of my heritage..they were solomn people...LOL

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Humility...(19th)

So today is the 19th...my calendar says to pray for my children's Humility...
Humility definition is accepting our selves as we really are or in other words not prideful...

Titus 3:2 says To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men...

I want my children to be proud of being a child of God, but not proud in a boastful way...I can remember being young and in a class with a little girl who really had major hygiene issues. This wasn't her fault and the other kids shunned her...I tried to include her, but she was still an outcast...nothing that I done, but I just can't stand to see someone left out...I have tried to tell my children to treat others better than they would want to be treated...This is hard for even us, as adults...I try to remind them to help others who are having a hard time...Lukas kept being bullied by a little guy who sat beside him...I just kept saying, Lukas, this little boy acts this way for some reason...please try to understand that this is his way of letting it out...then later I found out that he doesn't live with his Mom or Dad...he lives with his aunt...so obviously there is a problem at home...Finally, Lukas did complain and the teacher saw this as a problem and she moved Lukas...Poor little Morgan acts too much like me...I am saying an extra prayer for her!!! LOL
God, help my children to have the love of God in their hearts so strong that they will show meekness to everyone of their friends and people they meet. Help them not to act like me...

Today's status..

Well, I'm PMS'ing so therefore, you all know my feelings...i'm lonely, I'm missing my old life...I note that it has been 6 months and 1 week and 1 day since Tom left...but you know what is funny?? As I keep up with the amount of time that has passed, I am still trusting in God to either fix me or fix my life and so many times we put a time limit on God...but last night, the preacher spoke of how God has no time limit...it says that a thousand years is as a day with the Lord...meaning no time...God doesn't look at he time...all he looks at is his plan unfolding...What is his plan?? Is it for us to be back together? Is it for us to go our separate ways? Some days I have hope, others, i really don't have any hope at all....but it is so hard....I will have more patience that Job when all this is over!!! LOL so pray for me this week...this is the week when I feel like I just can't go on another step mentally...

Superintendant

Ok..so he is supposed to come see me today about a student....The Mom has complained to him about me and told him ridiculous things...for you nurses, she told him that her daughter's A1C was 19...I mean, come on...she would be dead...and her sugar would at least have to be staying at at least 600- 700...it is almost funny on her part, cause she is an RN and she should know better...
Said I dressed up all the time like a clown and her daughter couldn't get to me...now, I know I am funny, and heck, maybe I even dress funny, but...trust me, you all were the first one's to know when I dressed up as Clifford...so wouldn't you all have hurt feelings if I was dressing like a clown and didn't show you all pictures??? LOL whatever!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Hope...the 17th

I found a prayer calendar to use when you pray for your children...I want to utilize it on the days when I can think of it...:) Today is the 17th...
So for today, Let's look at Romans 15:13
Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

May the God of Hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit...

I know that Morgan and Lukas both hope that things in our family life will get better..as a matter of fact, Lukas told me the other day that if he had to wait 6 months till Daddy came home, he would be glad to wait...this broke my heart, but we serve a God of hope...This verse says the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace...This is awesome scripture....I want my children to trust in the God of hope...Hope that will fill them with joy and peace...Hope that will help them make it thru each day, even though things may not be perfect...
Abound in hope...this means to be perfectly supplied or filled...so I want them to be perfectly supplied and filled with the Hope of God...
Thanks God for giving them hope...and me too, God...

Gettin Better

UGH! I hate being sick...I had a sinus infection last week and it broke loose at the end of last week...I now feel it down in my chest and have been coughing so much, I can't sleep...after lying in bed since Sunday, I got up today at around 10am and came on to work...I just had to get out of that bed!!!! I feel weak, and crummy, but I am here around people...I was starting to feel lonely in that bed...and it doesn't do any good for me to feel lonely...It gets me to feeling sappy and teary and all that other stuff I don't need...so here I am at work and will make it another hour...

OMG! LUKAS!!!!

Okay, so you really want to know what kind of children I have??? Well, go read Crystal's blog...she met the kids Sat. for brunch at Panera and they went to the Alzheimer's Center for interaction with the residents...well, needless to say, I am totally embarrassed and when reading Crystal's blog, my mouth fell open so fast, my jaws are still hurting!!!!!!
Her link is ... http://onerosesbeauty.blogspot.com/2009/03/stepping-out.html
Please don't hold it against me...I guess I can blame it on his father, right??!!!!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sweet Bye and Bye

I was at the piano Sunday Morning just playing a song between Sunday School and Worship service...I usually don't try to stress too much over the song choice...don't want something too slow or too fast...just something that will feel peaceful, yet get people ready to worship and in the right frame of mind...so I picked Sweet Bye and Bye...just because it fit the criteria and it was among the first songs I turned to...
It was a real blessing to Mr. Mitchell and he cried and worshiped while I was playing...nothing that I done, but God had obviously let me pick that song on purpose...so as I was watching him, I started concentrating on the words...and it was just such a blessing how that a song that you know by heart and have heard all your life can still touch your heart...The part that touched me was...
And our spirit shall sorrow no more....not a sigh for the blessings of rest...in the sweet bye and bye, we shall meet on that beautiful shore...in the sweet, bye and bye, we shall meet on that beautiful shore...
So then I started thinking how awesome the words were...I mean, how many times do we want peace...rest for our soul...and the song says not a "sigh"for the blessings of rest...and then the other phrase...And our spirit shall sorrow no more...oh, how my spirit sorrows lately...I have said several times that I just don't think I can handle more of it...(there are so many prayers that are going up for me, I am doing alot better this week...thank you so much...) but in the sweet by and by, we will not have a even a sigh for the blessing of rest...
Wow! it is amazing at the penmanship of the author, but more importantly the spirituality of it...
I do love praise and worship music, but I am positive that as far as wording, there is nothing that beats the old hymns.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Interview with kids

My kids answered these...Morgan age 12, Lukas age 9

1. What is something mom always says to you?
M-maybe one day...
L-I love you


2.What makes mom happy?
M-gettng good grades
L-having a clean house

3. What makes mom sad?
M-Dad
L-Dad

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
M-Well...all my friends say that you are cool and that is really funny...
L-she doesn't..and put an exclamtion point after that..

5. What was your mom like as a child?
M-Just like me
L-violent

6. How old is your mom?
M-35 but thinks she's 20
L-35

7. How tall is your mom?
M-5.1
L-5.2

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
M-get on my nerves
L-Photography
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
M-Blog and talk about gossip
L-on the computer

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
M-Killing Tom (most tortorous death ever)
L-photography

11. What is your mom really good at?
M-gettin on my nerves
L-scrapbooking


12. What is your mom not very good at?
M-Keeping the house clean
L-Cooking

13. What does your mom do for a job?
M-Nurse
L-Nurse

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
M-Pizza
L-krout

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
M-all my friends say that you are cool
L-giving us allowance

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
M-the bad guy
L-Tom off of Tom and Jerry

17. What do you and your mom do together?
M-photography
L-Play the wii

18. How are you and your mom about the same?
M-There is no "about" about it...
L-no clue...she doesn't fart

19. How are you and your mom different?
M-I'm not a packrat
L-you can't burp the ABC's

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
M-She gets on my nerves and uh...she punishes me...
L-Xand O's

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
M-His eyes
L-everything


22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
M&L-Disney World

A Morgan BLurB

I have to tell you a little thing about Morgan...and of course me being the mother who has always worried how I was portayed by the public, this was funny...
So I am at school doing height, weight, blood pressures for 5 grades for the State requirements to check overall health of children. I have to ask these kids to take off thier shoes to get an accurate height. It is pitiful at what I notice...kids with immensly dirty feet and socks...kids with no socks on at all with tennis shoes...kids with socks with holes in them...and kids with mismatched socks...I wonder where these parents are when these children are getting ready for school!!!But alot of these kids were old enough to know to wear clean sox or matched sox...so anyway, I guess I was just stunned...
Well, I didn't think anymore about it and went on throughout the day...that evening, we were going to visit a Dr. friend of mine who had recently had surgery...we walked in the foyer, (Me and the kids) and pulled off our shoes...well, LOW AND BEHOLD...my daughter....MORGAN...had on MISMATCHED sox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine my horror!!!!!!! so anyway, just go ahead and laugh,I won't judge again about sox, I promise!!!!!!

Saturday, March 07, 2009

I am having trouble letting go...

I can't let go..I think I have and then I find out quickly that I haven't...but I usually go off the crazy side of the deep end and cause way more problems than I originally had....I am just...quite..."disgusted" is not really a good word, "frustrated" is a better choice...Frustrated with my choice of action...frustrated cause I know I am stronger than this...but then again, am I? I just don't know...not sure why all of a sudden, this is getting harder again... I try not to dwell on it...I don't know what to do at this point or what route to take...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Knoxville Symphony Orchestra

I got the privilege of hearing the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra today...went to the Niswonger Performing Arts Center with our 3rd, 4th and 5th graders...It only lasted an hour and being that classical music isn't my favorite, I didn't want it to last longer...BUT I love to try everything once and I totally enjoyed the hour of music... We got to hear the different cell phone rings original pieces and where they come from...we also heard a Concerto Cell Phone Ring which was a combination of different cell phone rings all in the same piece of music...here is a link to the blog... http://knoxvillesymphony.blogspot.com/ if you would be interested in reading about them...kinda cool...It was very pristine to see them all dressed in black and some white and all the shiny instruments with the stage lights bouncing off them...wanted to get up there with my camera for some closeups to capture the mood...

Then..., I got asked to go to 4-H camp next week for 3 days and even take my kids...so i am considering doing that...If they can find a replacement for me here at school while I am away...so Ia m not sure...will just have to see how plans turn out...I LOVE SCHOOL...:)

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

A new blog post...

Wow...Morgan posted another blog...she is totally amazing me...go check it out...
http://pirategirl107.blogspot.com/2009/03/our-storm.html

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Such wonderful friends...

I just want to say Thank you...thank you for being a friend to me...I sat and read my comments this morning from my blog post yesterday and cried...(LOL, 6 months ago, I NEVER cried...except maybe in church...)but you all are so precious and mean so much to me. I am not deserving of such love from you guys...I have hidden secrets and horrendous thoughts sometimes, but you all still pray for me and love me...thank you all so much...I am a smart alect sometimes(excuse me, alot of the time...LOL) and even act like a know-it-all....I am just amazed that I have friends like you...
I love you all so much...I so much appreciate your prayers...I can't even begin to say how I COULD NOT have made it thru this if it hadn't been for your prayers...I still say sometime that I need to go to the mental hospital to learn to deal with this...God has surely blessed me with friends who have taken care of me and prayed for me...I love each of you....

Monday, March 02, 2009

Hard Sunday

I have never found it easy to go to church on Sunday to the place were Tom pastored...I see the spot where he sat and miss him so bad...not as a husband, but as a pastor...There are songs that the choir sings that brings back so many memories and I really had a tough time yesterday handling it...The choir was full, you could feel God in the building and I knew that if Tom were there, it would be a service where he was so pleased/blessed... We started singing the first song in the choir and I broke down..just couldn't sing...just missed my pastor so bad...In his seat was another preacher who is filling in for the church...and of course he was totally enjoying the singing...it was so hard...that should have been Tom...
Morgan told me the same thing...that it was hard for her, because when we sing "How Great Thou Art" that she could remember Tom standing up and worshipping while we sang....
On my way to work this morning, I just questioned God...God, am I supposed to move on? or hang on?? What is the path that my life is supposed to take? I am just so ...I don't know...I just don't know... As I lay in bed last night, on my side of the bed, I realized it had been almost 6 months....6 months that I feel I am just existing...I am getting better at existing...I am dealing with it better...but I could really not believe that it has been almost 6 months since I have laid beside him in 0ur bed...6 months since I have lived...6 months of being alone...feeling sooo lonely...can I even hang on? I sometimes do wish that if I were to die, it would be a better route to take...I hate living without him in my world. 49 days till he will be free of me forever... I know, some people feel that I should be over this...but you all have to realize that Tom was my life...I have loved him since he was 12 years old. He was my strong hold...he was defense tower...he was my rock...he kept me sane...I always told him I would never make it without him..that I couldnt live without him...and here I am ...and it's been 6 months...
Ok, I know you all are tired of hearing about it...just a hard day..had to get some emotions out...