Psalms 61;2b

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hugs...

Ok, So I am PMS-ing...yes, things ALWAYS seem twenty times worse during that time...I am always soooo lonely during that time...I always cry more during that time...BUT...I think this time I have only cried twice...;) I am doing better!!! I cried from hurt at a family member who made me feel really uncomfortable about this whole situation...then last night, I saw a husband on TV hug his wife while celebrating a victory and it made me cry...I mean, do you know how long that it has been since I have had a hug...not just any hug...but a hug from a man..not just any man, but a full, both arms around me, taking me securely in his arms and hold me close type hug...I never realized how important a hug was...I really am amazed at the importance of a hug...I need to write a story in Chicken Soup for the Soul....ROFLOL!!!! no, seriously, I knew I always felt safe in Tom's arms, but I didn't really realize how much. I didn't realize that that was truly my "safe place". Ok, enough about hugs...LOL

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Lukas is in trouble...

I grounded him...he called me at work to ask me where a ruler was that he needed for Math...I instructed him to go ahead and finish the rest of his homework, but he didn't...when I got home he had 28 math problems that weren't hard, but still, he should have gotten it done!!!! So, I grounded him...No phone, no Wii, no TV, no computer...till Friday. Oh, bless his heart, now I want to pet him...LOL I'll leave that up to you all!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Still Angry...obviously...

I feel that I am over my anger...My anguish is dissipated. At least I thought it had...till I was sitting at the lunch table today with a bunch of teachers and looked over and saw one of thier very pretty wedding set...and I got Angry! Angry that I don't have husband and she does...Angry that I don't have a set on my finger. Angry that her dreams are being fulfilled...Angry that if she can keep her man, then why can't I?
I really didn't realize there was so much anger still there...but it is...just below the surface...just waiting to jump out at the most unexpected times.

The youth trip..

The youth at our church took a field trip..they went to the Haven of Mercy to serve the homeless and then present a program for them. It was a real touching site. For a long time I have had this desire to go on a mission trip...well, every since I worked in Morristown and saw really what a need there is for missions and how great we got it here in America...but anyway, back on track...at this homeless shelter, there was approx 60+ men, with about 5-6 women and at least 2 children that I saw there to get food for supper. They had pot roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, something else I can't remember...but then at another table, they had a salad, bread and dessert pastries. Thanks to the local grocers, (Food Lion, Panera and Atlanta Bread) they had donated thier old bread to the shelter which I thought was real nice...It was explained to me that when they got to much bread, or it all wasn't eaten, they do give out loaves, bagels, etc. to the men who don't live in the shelter to take home...if it is not all distributed, they take it to the local farm shelter, where men are living and farming for food and they eat it or if it is too old, they give to the hogs for food...Pretty cool, huh... but once again, back on topic...LOL There were men of all ages...I think maybe the youngest looked about 16 or 17 and the oldest look well into his 70's. Some men looked rough, others looked like they weren't afraid of hard work. Some looked like they needed compassion. Just a hug I think would have made thier day. I saw some very sad countenances that night...but they ate very heartily...
After dinner was cleaned up, most of the men sat down anticipating the program. Usually, since the ministry is Christian-based, the men who stay at the shelter have to attend church services there every evening...so our youth performed a song/verse performance called "Journey of Praise". It really had an awesome affect on each man there and this is not just speculation. They received standing ovations and approx 50% of the men were actually worshiping along with them. It was truly awesome!!!! One man stood up and asked for them to come back soon. This man was the one who had recently stomped out and didn't want to come to any type church service...God truly worked thru those children that night and even the children got a blessing. It was a awesome experience...

What in the world am I supposed to learn...?

I told Lukas the story of Job last night...how his end was greater the first...how he got back double(or more?? my mind is blank...) of what he had to begin with... how that God let him go thru the trial and it made him stronger...I think the story was more for me than him...LOL...Tom actually said that maybe it was the judgment of God on me....but I don't feel that way. I feel like I am just getting stronger. I am gonna come out victorious....in the end...at one point, I really thought I was gonna quit....quit what? quit trusting in God...quit living....just give up...I even considered checking myself into a mental hospital...I really thought I was loosing it...but God has really answered someone's prayers, cause I am so much more mentally stable...I really feel like this all will end one day and I will be okay till it does...
But anyway, I did go out on the porch the other night and looked up at the sky and said...."God, whatever it is I am supposed to learn, I hope I hurry up and learn it..."
  • The refridgerator is leaking in front of it...and no one can figure out where it is coming from...my floor just keeps getting wet...
  • I was eating supper the other day and looked down at the bottom of my island in my kitchen and noted the board was wet....??? We can't figure out where this water is coming from, since it is nowhere near the refridge...
  • Mom called me at work yest and said, Sherry, all under your bathroom sink is soaking wet, but I can't figure out where it is coming from....
  • My heater on the van is stuck on Defrost and the back heater will only work if I am accelerating
  • My bathroom heater tore up....
  • My curling iron tore up...
All this happened within a week....ARG!!!! So What in the world am I supposed to learn...?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It is done...

Well, according to Tom, it is done...I have to review the papers and agree with the conditions...whether I sign or not, in 90 days, I will be a person I have never been...divorced. But I am still waiting on God to intervene...Some says this may be God's will...I don't think so, and my reasoning is that God doesn't put a family together and then agree for it to be torn apart...My God is bigger than that...God has shown me numerous things and verses and songs to help me get thru this day by day...so I know he is here with me...I dreamed about Tom last night...just that he was kissing me...what is really funny is that I ususally dream alot...and this is maybe only the first or second time I have dreamed of him...
What counts right now is that I am handling this ok...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Lukasism..

I have another Lukasism...He just totally amazes me at the comments he comes up with!!!!
So I had a migraine headache last week. I am lying in my bed in silent and it is about 8:45pm...I put kids to bed at 9pm every night...so he comes stomping in my room and walks up beside my bed and says..."I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!" What??? he then proceeds to say..."I'm putting my foot down, I am not going to bed anymore at 9 o'clock! I am gonna go to bed when I feel like it! I am the man of the house now and I am gonna choose to go to bed at 11pm tonight...."
Despite my headache, I had to laugh....I mean, really, where does he come up with this stuff!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My first Wedding...

I am by no means a wedding photographer...I just like to have people as my puppets...LOL...I like to pose them, and catch the smile... I actually thought I was getting better at catching emotions...but maybe it is because I am so "down" and shooting it was hard...really....but anyway, the couple was great and looked gorgeous...so here are a few...
critique welcome!!!!!

When will the fight start???

I do not want to fight...my heart can't take it. I don't know God's plan, although I know he is with me and helping me. This weekend was actually 4 months that I have been without my love.
I go see the lawyer on Friday Morning at 7:30. I don't even like lawyers...I had one lie to me one time about a patient that I was caring for...so I know...it is just one of my pet peeves...but it is something that I have to do, obviously...but the thought this morning and last night is that God comes just on time...I don't know when that will be...I don't know how far this will get...I don't know what my future holds, so until then, I will continue trudging along...going thru the motions...if it takes fighting, then I guess that is what I have to do...but like I asked my Mom last night..."How would you feel if you had to take everything away from the man you love?" I mean, I can't imagine how in this world I will make it thru this...
Each night when I start to sleep, I pick up my Bible and before I randomly open it, I ask God for what I need...Last night, it was simply a prayer of "God, I need something...just anything to remind me that you are here with me..." I opened up my Bible, randomly and it came to Hebrews Chapter 11...the Faith chapter as I call it...now, in my crazy mind, the devil popped up and said, "Now, there can't be anything in this chapter that will help you. You know it is just about the Faith Warriors..." But in spite of that, I started to read...."Now Faith is the Substance of things hoped for...the evidence of things not seen..."
And it, of course smacked me right in the forehead...God was telling me to have Faith...to keep up the fight...to not give up... and I cont reading.... at verse 6, I had always heard the first part...actually the whole verse, but never had focused on the last part...it says..."He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek him"...Wow..so if I have to fight, there will be a reward, if I have to go thru with this, I will be ok...


Now, tomorrow, when I post that I can't take it another step, God will have to be here to help me again....Isn't it amazing how God gives you just what you need when you need it...and it only last till he gives you something else....?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Something I have never done before...

I sit at my desk for some time today just staring at the screen...on the screen, there is a phone number that I need to call...I need to call a lawyer and make an appointment...I just can't bring myself to do it...I just can't dial that number...I never usually have stomach trouble, but my stomach is hurting and so upset, I could barely keep lunch down...
so...I ended up calling...ended up with an appointment Friday at 7:30am...ugh! what a way to start a day. It was the hardest thing I have ever done...

Thursday, January 08, 2009

At the Bottom...

I don't feel I can take anymore...I am at the bottom.
I am tired of people saying I should move on...this man is the father of my children...
I have been in love with him for at least 20 years...
Yes, to the public I may seem strong...I don't like to show emotion...just part of my stubborness...
but I am at my breaking point.
I do not want to move on!!!
I am not complete when Tom is not around...for 15 years, if I was somewhere and he was not, I felt empty...till he walked in the room. Then I was complete. If I was expecting him, I wasn't at peace till he go there. I am part of him and whether he likes it or not, he is part of me. We are one...how can people say to move on????
I keep thinking I am gonna wake up from this bad dream. I keep thinking it will be over tomorrow...that this will end...
I keep thinking that the pain is gonna go away...but if someone looses a spouse to death, it is insane to ask them to get over that spouse in 4 months. Most people feel numb for the first 6 months at least with a death...so why do so many people think I am supposed to just get over it???????
There are even some people wanting me to date so and so...I mean, really, would you ask a woman to date someone who has lost her spouse to death 4 months ago???
I know, I know, it is people who haven't went thru this pain...you can't imagine how lonely I feel. Yes, I have friends and family on every hand, but it is not the same.
My life has stopped for the past 4 months. I haven't accomplished anything. I am like a robot moving just because I have to. I feel depression setting in..I really just want to stay in my bedroom with the door closed and talk to no one or see no one...and I know, as a nurse, what all to do to help myself, but I don't want to do anything.
Not only am I hurting, but I have to sit and watch my kids hurt...I have to watch them miss him.

Don't feel sorry for me....I can't stand pity...just have some respect for me and my feelings!!!!!

Friday, January 02, 2009

I am doing better mentally...yes, I haven't posted in a month...I just can't blog when I am so torn up...KWIM??! I have prayed and prayed and God has truly helped me get over alot of my anger and bitterness...It is amazing really...I won't go into details now, but I do want to say that I listened to Higher Ground's preacher and he had a message that was from Jeremiah 31;27...I am the Lord your God...is there anything too hard for Me....Awesome verse and it gave me alot of strength...more later, gotta run...