Psalms 61;2b

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Heaviness...

The weight of its presence causes shoulders to stoop, eyes to darken...I think the bible talks about the spirit of heaviness... Proverbs 20-12:25 Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.
You know how funny it is when you are in a situation and you are always trying to analyze...always trying to fix whatever is wrong...I have got to stop...I have to let God have control...Morgan has told me several times that I need to let God take control...I am such an evil person...I have so much bitterness and anger pent up within me that I can't be my normal self...no wonder he don't love me...who would??? Not me!!!! I have got to journal or something to get rid of all this...and I have got to pray!!! If God has forgiven me, then I HAVE to forgive him...
Matthew-6:14&15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Is it possible that I am barking up the wrong tree...?Can it be that we are not meant to be? He told me once again this morning that it was over...that I needed to get over him....that as soon as he had the money, he was going to see his lawyer....that he was happier than he had ever been...said he was now questioning if he had EVER loved me or not...
So now, of course I am questioning my whole marriage...was he never happy?? Did I make him that miserable...? Am I that hard to live with?? And he expects me to get over this?? Just like that I am supposed to move on??? I know I have been a horrible Christian, but can God please give me some consolation...I am almost to my breaking point...I mean mentally...Last night after this, I was on the verge of getting in my car, driving till forever...never contacting anyone...but my kids kept me here....then I thought of taking hundreds of pills to just get rid of this feeling I am continually feeling in my chest...I really need God...I need some comfort..I need something...!!!!! Can God hear me? I know this has gotten totally off base, but I have got to have some relief...I could type things here that would blow minds...but that is useless...I know what it is...he said that after Christmas he was getting a divorce...and the closer Christmas comes, the more sicker I get...I can't go thru that!!!!!! I can't! What am I missing..what should I be doing??? I can't stand it...Thanksgiving has been so hard...I love the holidays...and to know that I will have to go thru one of my favorite holidays without the love of my life...well, I just can't! My kids are so affected... but he don't know...he doesn't know that Lukas is becoming a mommy's boy more and more...he wants me touching him all the time....he wants to wrestle more and more with other men...cause I guess he is not getting much man attention at home...God, is this my punishment??? If it is, just let me know and I will try to handle it...I need so much help...God is the only one who can fix this situation....fix me...Maybe I need to move on...maybe I am praying the wrong prayer...maybe my children are supposed to be raised by me without a father in the house...maybe I am not worthy to have happiness...of course I have satan sitting on my shoulder telling me that everything I have done for God is useless...was to no avail...I know I am a sorry person...I am just getting what I deserve...

Thankful..

The things I am thankful for are totally different this year...I am thankful for many things but here are a few...
  • That I have two children...cause I have to be strong for them and without them, I would be in a mental ward somewhere...
  • That I still have emotions to feel anger and hurt and sadness...that means I haven't went totally out of my mind yet
  • That my children still have a relationship with their father
  • That my home has seen love...lots of it...at least that is what I thought...
  • That I am alive, although most of the time I feel dead on the inside
  • That God is still in control...although I have a hard time letting Him take control
  • That my secrets are revealed only to God and he has forgiven me and understands me like no one else
  • That my pride is not as powerful over me as I thought it was...
  • That I still have to hold my head up, no matter what I think people think of me...
  • That I have a church to go to that helps me carry my burden

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Me and him...


This is a casual picture of me and him at the Fun Fest 08 in Kpt, TN. I really thought everything was perfect...or did I? I don't think I focused enough on my relationship...just took it for granted that we would always be together...

I miss this man soo much!!!!!


Had a bad day yesterday...just lonely...you know what I mean...I told someone it is like half of me is disconnected from my body. There is not 15 minutes that go by that he is not in my mind...hard day!!! This is one of my favorite pictures of him that I took a while back...he doesn't have his beard here...

Friday, November 14, 2008

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches



This church is about 1 1/2 miles from my house. It sets up on the hill in the old Persia Community. Tom has preached here one time.

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches


This is a church that is defunct...is that the correct word? LOL In other words, it is closed down. I am not even sure what the name of it is...

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches


This is a church that sits about 3 miles from me in another direction. It is called Dodson Creek United Methodist Church. I really wasn't trying to get it to look spooky, but I did like the grungy affect here...

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches




This is a church about 3 miles from my house...It is called Hugh's Memorial Primitive Baptist Church. It is actually pastored by my first cousin's husband. Tom has preached here before and has also held revival here. It just looked to pretty sitting in the trees in the fall, I couldn't resist a picture session.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Word for the day: Forgiveness

So I am at home the other night thinking of a recent heated conversation between me and Tom. I realize that I am so full of ANGER at him, that I can barely even speak civil to him. I realized that I needed to find forgiveness in my heart. For what? Because I am so mad at him for leaving, mad at him for giving up, mad at him for everything... So, I am praying as of last night for God to help me find forgiveness in my heart for him. There is no way that anything is going to change unless my anger is dissipated and forgiveness takes place...Of course I turn to the Bible to find out what I should do...the first thing I decide to look up says to "forgive as Christ forgave you"...well, that hit a raw note...I mean, I really do feel that God has forgiven me for my mistakes. I have even forgiven myself. But what if Christ had not have forgiven me??? And here I am not forgiving Tom...But yes, that is easier said than done, so I am gonna pray about it because I know that coming to the realization of something is the first step in correcting the problem. I was looking thru my sermon journal that I keep in my Bible and came across a sermon preached at the church by E. McAmis and he had made a statement about forgiveness...When Christ forgives you, it is as if a chalkboard is wiped clean. So, in other words, I felt like I have to treat and feel towards Tom as if he has/ we have a clean slate. Gosh, that will be hard, and I won't be able to do it on my own!!!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Shack...


This is what I am currently reading...go check it out...everything I have heard about it is good, so I am on the second chapter...The Book is called The Shack...go read it...or borrow mine when I get done!!! LOL Notice I have lots more time to read since I don't have Tom around...kinda keeps me busy...gotta stay occupied. Gotta keep my mind occupied...

Fireproof

Click here to see a movie trailer...or go to the site...







The Arts

This is the second book in the series that I have just finished reading. They are good, but not so good that I can't put it down, know what I mean... so if you want to read a book that you can put down, just a casual read, this series is good. I do think it is good for teenagers, (which is the target audience) since it does deal with the fact of parents and teens...
The other Art I experienced this weekend was the movies...Before Tom moved out, I had asked him to go see a movie with me. It was called Fireproof and it was made by the same church who produced "Facing the Giants".
It is one of my favorite movies, and now the new movie, Fireproof, is again a very good movie that I think every married person should see. No, for those of you who want to know, it did nothing for Tom. LOL
So, go see Fireproof, or rent it as soon as it comes out...it is worth it.