After posting Peace from God

LOL, it is so funny...after I sat down and took the time to blog how good God was to me on Friday, by Saturday night, I was at my sis in law's house crying from stress overload!!! I knew it was satan. Honestly, he has put an all out attack against me and it is kinda funny, cause no matter what, I am not gonna quit...and basically, I don't have time to fight with the devil...lol
So anyway, you wanna hear something funny?? This is how bad it is...
I got pulled over for not stopping all the way at a 4 way stop...well, yes, I got a ticket...but also GOT MY LICENSE TAKEN AWAY!!!!!! yes, I am driving with no DL's! There was some kind of mix up from my tags when I got the car back in October...and I thought I had it all fixed...but obviously not, cause my license are revoked!!!
The two trees outside my house that are probably 100 years old are dead...I'm afraid the wind will blow and top of them will fall on house, or worse, someone! well, to get these huge trees cut down, it will be a pretty sum of money...
I go today to try to get my license back...after all is said and done...gonna cost me around 500$$$ (including the ticket for the stop sign)...yeah, satan, bring it on...LOL
oh yeah, and this aint even half the things I have been slammed with in the past week...I mean, it is really getting to the point that I am just laughing...wondering how much more the devil will throw on me...

Peace from God

Blogged this Friday night, but didn't have internet access...
I have said over and over that thru all this mess that I now call my Life, that God has been there over and over for me. Today, I experienced that once again.
I boldly made a statement to a friend that I no longer felt a burden to pray for a certain overwhelming problem of mine… well, because I felt it was gonna be taken care of…I felt peace about the whole situation that was a “new peace” you know, the peace that says to you that God is gonna take care of it and it’s okay…well, low and behold, within 2 hours of verbalizing about that, satan was there to try and get me upset. Imagine that??!!! LOL
I immediately got sick to my stomach…but then got control of myself in the next few seconds…not wanting to let satan have an inch…but you know how it is…as long as you are talking to someone about being strong, you are…, right?? But as soon as you are alone, those thoughts start running thru your mind again. So I am on an hour road trip and I have a chance to have a couple conversations…with God, myself and satan. I started thinking about how God has brought me thus far, and how there is no way I can say that God wants me to give up…I said, devil, you can’t stop God’s plan, I don’t care what you do, or how much you target me… you might as well get thee behind me!!!!!! I turned on the CD player and the song was on, “Too much to gain to loose” …It totally blessed me and I played it like about 4 times in a row…I thought how that, yes, I have carried a burden for awhile, but that’s okay, I’m not only learning as a Christian, but I’m growing too…I thought how that God knows how bad that I want his will…and that with my past experience, God can take the desire of my heart away if it is not his will… so, then the next song was “It is Well” (not the old version) but the one about the story in the Bible of the son of a Shuman woman who dies and as she is on the way to get the Man of God (Elijah), they ask her how she is and even though her son is dead, she answers, it is well… So no matter what is going on in my life, it is well… So by this time, I am really rejoicing in His spirit… the sweet comfort of the Holy Spirit got in the car with me…
At church, as I sit in the pew, I am just glad to be there…glad that I can focus my mind on something other than anatomy and cells and bones… LOL. It gets even sweeter when church starts…I am so blessed just being there…just being able to focus on God…yes, I have not been able to focus much on His word this past week…School is eating up all my brain cells. LOL So it was sooo refreshing to just tune it all out and focus on God…
Now, truly, this was enough for me…God could have stopped right there and that would have been enough for me…but MY God goes above and beyond what we can ever think or ask…during the preaching tonight, the last point of the message about the fisherman on the sea, was how that Jesus directed them to a specific place…Our prayers should not be generalized…but specific…not “Lord, help my neighbors to get saved, but Lord, help me witness to Mr. Jones…” etc… but I was taken back to the time about 8 months ago, when on my way to school, God showed me to quit just praying generically for His will, but to ask for what I wanted. I was bawling by the time I got to school, just mostly rejoicing that God had shown me to be specific…God showed me numerous people in the Bible who ask for exactly what they needed. Hannah ask for a son..yeah, they thought she was crazy, but she approached God boldly…Esther approached the King boldly….He even tells us to come boldly before the throne of grace…so that morning, 8 months ago, I approached the throne and took my petition before God.
Now, to bring all this together…after the attack from satan today, I was feeling really doubtful as to what God’s plan was…was I following the right path…which way should I go…etc…God gave me peace in the car while driving…and to be honest, that was enough…But…tonight, in the message, God reminded me of the time he wanted me to be specific about my need. And the sweet peace was one again overwhelming…does that make sense? Can you have so much peace, you are overwhelmed? LOL I am just amazed at what God does for me…
I couldn’t thank God enough for just these little things…I like to blog about them, cause sometimes, going back and reading them is a good way to put satan on the move…LOL and to be honest… I’m not a writer…I can’t write and make you feel it in your soul…I wish I could…but like the song…it’s a joy “unspeakable”

Ever Faithful...

It has been a while since I posted...I am so busy with summer...I love summer and try to do something outside every day...I have even been taking my lunch breaks outside in the middle of the night on the swing in the courtyard..so awesome..and the storms...I love them...as long as they don't cause any damage... :)
My storm rages on...I actually looked up last night and said, God, how much more can I take??? But this morning, I turned on the TV...which I NEVER do on Sunday morning...and was flipping thru trying to find some song to satisfy my troubled heart...and it was on Gaither Homecoming...the Crabb Family singing..."Through the Fire"...and at that moment, it became my motto for today...here are some of the words...

HE never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb...HE never offered victory without fighting, but HE said help would always come in time...Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision and the advisary says Give in....Just hold on...Our Lord will show up and HE will take you thru the fire again!!!!!!

I once again was in awe at how God shows up and takes our burdens upon himself...he carried me today as well as my burden...I wish for one minute that I could put into words what God has really proved to me over the past 10 months...and I am sorry enough to still have doubts..and fears and such...he keeps showing up...time after time..and the most precious part...like the manna for the children of Isreal, He only gives me enough to get thru till the next battle...
I read a verse on Facebook that reminded me that David said..."weeping endureth for the night...but Joy comes in the morning..." My morning is coming...God continues to remind me of this time after time...HE IS EVER FAITHFUL...

I do want to encourage everyone to go read Isaiah 6...I heard a really good message on this and the part that stuck out to me was the praise that "moved the doorpost"...My interpretation of that is that the praise was so great, that is shook the house...I want my church to be that way...I want my children to grow up in a church where the smoke actually fills the santuary...I have saw this before...How strong is your praise?

A sign said...

"If you love me, keep my commandments..." a quote from the Bible by Jesus...
So how simple is that?? I just cant understand how some people can say they love God, but still deny Him by their actions...I just don't understand why they can't see?!!! But that is the problem...they do see..they do realize that they are not "right"...they just don't want to admit it to them self or to others...too proud...my heart breaks for these people...must God take everything from them for them to see? "If you love me, keep my commandments..." How sad that we can't even do that for Jesus, yet he gave his life for us...
breaks my heart...

Lucky..BLESSED...

I am not lucky...yeah, that's an easier way to say it...but I am totally blessed..as time has passed and I have actually went and looked at my van, I seem to get sicker and sicker each time I think of how blessed I am...The pictures on the cell phones didn't do justice to how my van really looked....oh my...it made me wonder myself how in the world I wasn't paralyzed or brain dead at the least...so, no, I won't be posting pictures here..I don't feel that is something I want to remember..maybe later, when I can deal better...
I drove today for the first time...went to the ortho doc and he put me in a sling that holds both my shoulders back in order to keep the collar bone in alignment so it can heal straight...only problem is...and don't laugh....I forget and use my left arm sometime and MAN...do I remember real quick! I cannot pick up a glass plate with pizza on it...I can barely pick up a coffee cup with milk in it...so, back to the driving, it wasn't as bad as I thought, although all I did think about while I was on the road was safety...imagine that!!!!
We don't know why things happen, but let me tell you what had came out of this....and yes, for all you medical workers, I am quite frustrated with the system....in order to go to the ortho, I had to go back to Laughlin ER to get my xrays...so they gave me a CD with the results and films on it...of course I stuck it in my computer and spent some time looking at the actual xrays...then I figured out how to actually open the radiologist report...the shoulder CT scan said...."a 5mm nodular density is seen on the left lung" and basically that a follow up CT scan should be done in 3 months to re-eval...or in layman's terms...to see if there are any changes...to see if it grew...
(well, nurses know just enough to be dangerous...so yes, I'm freaked...)but do you know that i have yet to this day, 7 days later, to hear anyone actually tell me this! If I hadn't put this in my computer, then what? how would I know this? The ortho doc looked at my xrays...who knows whether he looked at the report or not...but shouldn't someone be in charge of notifying me of this??? I know, I know, it is probably nothing, but geez..I would like for a medical person to actually acknowledge the fact that I should have a CT done about August....
And while I'm chatty, I might as well go ahead and say that the last 2 days have been hard...I miss Tom so much...Morgan told me to "get over it" ... I tried to explain to her that her Daddy was my whole life...I am still praying that God will take the feelings away....so I can have some peace...I'm not even hormonal...I feel like I have learned so many lessons...ok, enough about that..
Lukas got an award at school for having all A's all year long...actually, I think he has had all A's since he has been in school...so Mama's proud....
He also will have his art displayed at Fort Henry Mall this summer...probably the ones I posted earlier...Man, I'm so proud to be his momma!!!! He thinks its exciting that he has learned to weed eat...heck, I'm excited he can do it too....I love to mow, but hate weed eating!!! LOL
I'm rambling..so signing off....

Church Splits...

This is definitely a life changing event...and I approach this subject with caution as I don't want anyone to be hurt or feel accused...
First I want to say that I have been on both sides...several times...the first even took place when I was around 12 years old. I had to leave all my church friends that I grew up with. As a child, I barely knew what happened, but I do know that alot of hurtful things were said that caused my parents to cry and be in turmoil for a long time. My parents kept from me the things that were said or done...they didn't want to ruin the influence of the people that left...these people were not reconciled till about 15 years ago and they still dont get along the best in the world, but are able to worship together...
What is funny is that splits happened in the Bible several times...
Acts 15
After the Jerusalem Council, Barnabas and Paul were planning on making their second journey. Barnabas wanted to take John Mark, but Paul opposed the idea because Mark had departed from them on the first Journey. Consequently, Barnabas took John Mark, and Paul took Silas and the two groups went their separate ways (Acts 15:36-41). After Barnabas gave his cousin a second chance, Paul was later able to call him a coworker (Philem 24; cf. Col 4:10) who was helpful to his ministry...so basically, Paul and Barnabas came to the point to agree to disagree...

Genesis13;8-9
So Abram said to Lot, "Please let there be no strife between you and me, nor between my herdsmen and your herdsmen, for we are brothers. Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.

Tom and I went thru splits at Faith two different times. Both times, it took the core of the church workers...Tom and I worried and prayed and prayed and worried... but you remember what happened? God had people to step up and take the place of those who had left and these people became strong members of the church body. Unfortunatly we don't know the full picture and God's plan...what I don't think is in God's plan is backbiting, strife, remarks that are a bit too forward, etc.
My next point that I want to make, is that I have never been part of the "leaving" split... I have never been in the group that left...so that makes me be in a much greater turmoil...I love my church and my church family...they have been so good to me...but then I hear of comments that were made and I try to analyze why comments with that kind of malice were made and I wonder where the christian attitude is...? This is not the people that loved me...
What if we ARE doing what God planned?? What if God knows what he is doing and has split the church up intentionally? I have prayed and prayed for confirmation that I have done the right thing and have gotten confirmation several times..but why are people still so bitter and angry about the split? Is it because of the hurt? Why do they feel the need to lash out at one another? Is that God telling them to do make hurtful or spiteful comments? I am praying even as I type that I don't say something that will offend anyone...I have mentioned to several people that talking bad about the church we left is NOT acceptable...
Most often when you get together a bunch of people, there will be conflict...I tried to explain to Lukas and Morgan why things happened...the only way I knew how to do it was that some of us were raised expecting more in the way of being fed and worship...If you have a shepherd who can feed his flock only tender meat, then the ones who need the tough meat will never get satisfied...the tough meat helps to clean the teeth, helps the digestive system...etc. I like to be plowed...I like a preacher to get right where I am at and open up things deep in my soul that I have closed off or sugarcoated....
I have heard preachers preach and do great jobs...but never left me thinking harder on anything...basically, I needed something deeper...why would others fault me for that?
The preacher last night at the church preached on "examine yourself"....I want to examine myself to make sure I don't have any hatred, malice or strife in my heart...in this day and time, we can't afford to loose people who are dear to us. Please try to understand that God is in control and he is doing what is good for each of us in the long run...making comments and backbiting will only cause hurt and anger....
Nothing in the Bible states that Paul talked bad about Barnabas and ridiculed him...I wont let anyone ridicule my church family just because our wants are different....
Again, I hope I havent hurt anyone or said anything to confuse anyone...your feedback is welcome...

Just hang on...Can I?

I have had so many doubts...about every couple of days, God shows up and gives me something to keep me hanging on...and me, being the very weak Christian that I am, just get so low and down and decide I have nothing to go on for...and I stop and cry out to the only One I know to cry to..
I have prayed God, give me something to hang on to...I need to know that he is still working and that I am not supposed to give up on my prayer...my hope...Someone just asked me yesterday how in the world I am so strong...I am not strong...I will just go ahead and say here that I love Tom with all my heart and just like the saying goes, you don't know what you got till it is gone...and yes, I have loved him since we were 13 or 14 years old...my close friends in high school remember me having a "crush" on him...as a matter of fact, I told one friend (Becky Cope) that I would marry him...that was my sophomore year I think...but back on topic...I am not strong....I am hanging on to hope by the grace of God...and God will show up and give me something to hope in and that will tide me over for a day or two...then I will go right back downhill....and I have to pray again...so just this week, I have prayed several times, God, I don't know whether to move on or hang on...I also prayed God, give me something at Wednesday night church service to help me...and the preacher preached on having Faith...telling the devil that we were hanging on to Faith...Wow...if that is not a sign from God...I felt so full after church...me and kids went to eat and I was just so full in my chest, I kept telling them how good God was to show up and help me...let me post parts of the scripture he read...2Corinthians 4;8-17

⁷But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.⁸We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;⁹Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 17For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

He also made a statement and made me think of my readers here...How can I testify that God is real if I don't have affliction...and He pulls me thru...I want you to know that if God can help me thru this, He can help you thru ANYTHING you are going thru...Never in my wildest dreams could I have thought I could live 7 months without Tom...but I have thru the Grace of God....and only thru Him...

Alot of Blogs...LOL

Geez...I have blogged more this month than any month this year!!!! Lots of action going on in my brain...could have to do with not having any adults to "communicate" with...yes, I get small talk, but poor Tom had to hear my ramblings constantly...and God bless the poor kids of mine...they don't care about my ramblings...:)
Last night I was at work and a poor resident was sitting beside me and we were talking and she asked me if I was married and I told her not anymore and she wanted to know why, etc...this lady has Alzheimers, and she probably forgot the conversation as soon as it happened, but she said something that stuck to me...and it hurt...
She mentioned that she was married to and then she added sarcastically...yeah, I'm the mother of his children...so I wanted to keep her talking as I could sense something way deeper in her comment... she went on to say how he had left her unexpectedly...she said..."That is a hurt that goes so deep...a hurt you will never get over" she got teary eyed...she pointed from her throat to her stomach and said..."you wonder why it hurt you so deep...but it is something you never ever get over..."
It made so much sense to me...she felt exactly what I was feeling...and to think that this was a lady who couldn't even remember the conversation 5 minutes later, but she still remembered the hurt from many years back...She never married again and still carries his name today...yes, she went on to become successful, and I'm sure lived a successful life...but to say she moved on...no..she didn't...

Compassion...(20th)

Today, I want to pray for my children to have compassion... Compassion for the lost, compassion for the sad, compassion for the lonely, the sick, the poor, the rich...

Compassion is described as being deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

Colossians 3;12 says Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering...

The words "put on" reminds me of "to clothe" ...So I like to think that as God's elect, we need to put on mercy, kindness, meekness...humbleness of mind is important here too...so many people let satan build them up in their own mind and it causes all kinds of trouble...

Lord, I pray that my children will be able to put on compassion...to be deeply aware of others suffering and wish to relieve it..

I sometimes think my personality make people think I am hard-hearted...I don't like to let my feelings show and I know it comes across as being non-caring...I blame that on the Richards part of my heritage..they were solomn people...LOL

Today's status..

Well, I'm PMS'ing so therefore, you all know my feelings...i'm lonely, I'm missing my old life...I note that it has been 6 months and 1 week and 1 day since Tom left...but you know what is funny?? As I keep up with the amount of time that has passed, I am still trusting in God to either fix me or fix my life and so many times we put a time limit on God...but last night, the preacher spoke of how God has no time limit...it says that a thousand years is as a day with the Lord...meaning no time...God doesn't look at he time...all he looks at is his plan unfolding...What is his plan?? Is it for us to be back together? Is it for us to go our separate ways? Some days I have hope, others, i really don't have any hope at all....but it is so hard....I will have more patience that Job when all this is over!!! LOL so pray for me this week...this is the week when I feel like I just can't go on another step mentally...

I am having trouble letting go...

I can't let go..I think I have and then I find out quickly that I haven't...but I usually go off the crazy side of the deep end and cause way more problems than I originally had....I am just...quite..."disgusted" is not really a good word, "frustrated" is a better choice...Frustrated with my choice of action...frustrated cause I know I am stronger than this...but then again, am I? I just don't know...not sure why all of a sudden, this is getting harder again... I try not to dwell on it...I don't know what to do at this point or what route to take...

Such wonderful friends...

I just want to say Thank you...thank you for being a friend to me...I sat and read my comments this morning from my blog post yesterday and cried...(LOL, 6 months ago, I NEVER cried...except maybe in church...)but you all are so precious and mean so much to me. I am not deserving of such love from you guys...I have hidden secrets and horrendous thoughts sometimes, but you all still pray for me and love me...thank you all so much...I am a smart alect sometimes(excuse me, alot of the time...LOL) and even act like a know-it-all....I am just amazed that I have friends like you...
I love you all so much...I so much appreciate your prayers...I can't even begin to say how I COULD NOT have made it thru this if it hadn't been for your prayers...I still say sometime that I need to go to the mental hospital to learn to deal with this...God has surely blessed me with friends who have taken care of me and prayed for me...I love each of you....

Hard Sunday

I have never found it easy to go to church on Sunday to the place were Tom pastored...I see the spot where he sat and miss him so bad...not as a husband, but as a pastor...There are songs that the choir sings that brings back so many memories and I really had a tough time yesterday handling it...The choir was full, you could feel God in the building and I knew that if Tom were there, it would be a service where he was so pleased/blessed... We started singing the first song in the choir and I broke down..just couldn't sing...just missed my pastor so bad...In his seat was another preacher who is filling in for the church...and of course he was totally enjoying the singing...it was so hard...that should have been Tom...
Morgan told me the same thing...that it was hard for her, because when we sing "How Great Thou Art" that she could remember Tom standing up and worshipping while we sang....
On my way to work this morning, I just questioned God...God, am I supposed to move on? or hang on?? What is the path that my life is supposed to take? I am just so ...I don't know...I just don't know... As I lay in bed last night, on my side of the bed, I realized it had been almost 6 months....6 months that I feel I am just existing...I am getting better at existing...I am dealing with it better...but I could really not believe that it has been almost 6 months since I have laid beside him in 0ur bed...6 months since I have lived...6 months of being alone...feeling sooo lonely...can I even hang on? I sometimes do wish that if I were to die, it would be a better route to take...I hate living without him in my world. 49 days till he will be free of me forever... I know, some people feel that I should be over this...but you all have to realize that Tom was my life...I have loved him since he was 12 years old. He was my strong hold...he was defense tower...he was my rock...he kept me sane...I always told him I would never make it without him..that I couldnt live without him...and here I am ...and it's been 6 months...
Ok, I know you all are tired of hearing about it...just a hard day..had to get some emotions out...

Morgan's blog...

You must go to her blog and check it out!!! She has started a blog and she is just amazing...she cracks me up at the "teen" language that she uses...like ruff for rough...but anyway, it's just a blessing to see her growing in God and I am praying it always stays that way!
Here's the link...go check it out...

http://pirategirl107.blogspot.com/

I am doing ok...

Just wanted to thank everyone for their prayers and say that I am so undeserving of the Grace of God!!! I am doing "ok"... I am looking at it as starting afresh and trying to anticipate my new future. I am still not sure what God's plan is, but as long as he helps me on a minute by minute basis, I think I can make it...Thanks again for all your prayers. I will never forget all the kind words. I don't know why I had to go thru this, but if it is to help other people, then I want to suffer it for the glory of God. I have become so much closer to Christ thru all this. I don't think I have ever experienced His grace like I have thru this time.
Me and Morgan was standing in the kitchen last night talking about the situation and how she would get embarrassed when someone mentioned it...I think several of her teachers have asked her and she said she feels her face turning red and it is all she can do to not cry. I am so glad she is starting to open up and talk about this...at one point I was very worried about her and her bitterness. She did tear up several times as we talked. Last night, Lukas had already went to bed and she and I were standing in the kitchen crying together. She is growing up and understanding so much. She is such an encouragement to me. She said that everytime she feels like crying she thinks of the song that says..."cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine, we'll understand it all by and by..." God is so good!!!!

God is so Good..

He has carried me thru the weekend. I have had a really good weekend with my children. They are so precious and I thank God everyday for them. They really amaze me and I can't believe I have got such good children..I surely don't deserve them...but here's what happened.
They both had to teach Sunday School for youth Sunday. As I already told you about Lukas' lesson, Morgan sat on the bed on Sunday morning and told me her lesson. She was gonna teach on the Armour of God. She had two thoughts. The first one was that the amour was tailor made for her...and my amour was tailor made for me...and she said "God knows where we are most vulnerable at and he makes our amour stronger in that area"....That was awesome!!!! I really was beaming with pride...then her second thought was about the shield of faith...she was gonna give a quote of Martin Luther King Jr...it says Faith is taking the first step even when you cannot see the entire staircase...
Then she had another thought about the sword...it is the Word of God, right...well she was talking about how you used a sword and how in order to win a battle, you had to become familiar with it...and it takes practice to use it and keep your skills sharp...
Wow, what thoughts, right??? I was so impressed...
So how did it go? Well, they said Lukas got up in front of the men class and was looking everyone in the eye...not dropping his gaze and said..."how many of you like chocolate" and none of the men raised thier hand..and he said..."hmmph." He then later told me his thought was..."well, old men don't like chocolate, I did figure that out!!!" ROFLOL!!!!
Morgan was amazed at what all worked into her lesson..she said that she couldn't believe all the stuff she was able to say...I told her that was God filling her mouth and that was the way Preachers were dependant on God to tell them what to say...

So today at 3:30, I will be signing "the papers"...I dread it...I know some of you may say I am stupid, but this was not the plan I had for my life at all....but if God is letting it happen, then it is his plan...I have prayed all day and last night for him to have mercy on Tom and even me.... I am afraid of the wrath of God, but I couldn't stand it if something happened to him... I took a picture of my wedding band and ring...just so I would have a picture of it...of course all kinds of things go thru your head...memories, mostly....like when he asked me to marry him...like when we were married and he first put my band on my hand...he did live with me till death do us part...cause I feel as if my heart is actually dead today.
God, please hold your arms around me to keep me from crumbling...I am broken, but if I fall apart, we might not be able to find all the pieces.

Eye of the Storm

I am really trying to seek the will of God in all my endeavors...I think that Tom and I are going thru this for a reason...I don't know what it is but I do know that I can say that God has revealed so much to me...and really... I don't feel totally molded yet...I think there is much more for me to learn. My life is not gonna get any better yet...I feel like I am meant to learn this lesson and until I do, I am gonna endure. It is almost like I am in the eye of the storm.
For two days, I have been able to use my experience to help someone who is contemplating going thru divorce...and to be honest, you really can't empathize with someone unless you have went thru the same thing...Is this God's calling for me? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? What is left for me to learn....I have prayed for about 2 weeks now, Lord, show me what you want me to learn...so for now, I am just keeping my eyes and ears open...waiting on the Lord.

Hugs...

Ok, So I am PMS-ing...yes, things ALWAYS seem twenty times worse during that time...I am always soooo lonely during that time...I always cry more during that time...BUT...I think this time I have only cried twice...;) I am doing better!!! I cried from hurt at a family member who made me feel really uncomfortable about this whole situation...then last night, I saw a husband on TV hug his wife while celebrating a victory and it made me cry...I mean, do you know how long that it has been since I have had a hug...not just any hug...but a hug from a man..not just any man, but a full, both arms around me, taking me securely in his arms and hold me close type hug...I never realized how important a hug was...I really am amazed at the importance of a hug...I need to write a story in Chicken Soup for the Soul....ROFLOL!!!! no, seriously, I knew I always felt safe in Tom's arms, but I didn't really realize how much. I didn't realize that that was truly my "safe place". Ok, enough about hugs...LOL

Still Angry...obviously...

I feel that I am over my anger...My anguish is dissipated. At least I thought it had...till I was sitting at the lunch table today with a bunch of teachers and looked over and saw one of thier very pretty wedding set...and I got Angry! Angry that I don't have husband and she does...Angry that I don't have a set on my finger. Angry that her dreams are being fulfilled...Angry that if she can keep her man, then why can't I?
I really didn't realize there was so much anger still there...but it is...just below the surface...just waiting to jump out at the most unexpected times.

What in the world am I supposed to learn...?

I told Lukas the story of Job last night...how his end was greater the first...how he got back double(or more?? my mind is blank...) of what he had to begin with... how that God let him go thru the trial and it made him stronger...I think the story was more for me than him...LOL...Tom actually said that maybe it was the judgment of God on me....but I don't feel that way. I feel like I am just getting stronger. I am gonna come out victorious....in the end...at one point, I really thought I was gonna quit....quit what? quit trusting in God...quit living....just give up...I even considered checking myself into a mental hospital...I really thought I was loosing it...but God has really answered someone's prayers, cause I am so much more mentally stable...I really feel like this all will end one day and I will be okay till it does...
But anyway, I did go out on the porch the other night and looked up at the sky and said...."God, whatever it is I am supposed to learn, I hope I hurry up and learn it..."

• The refridgerator is leaking in front of it...and no one can figure out where it is coming from...my floor just keeps getting wet...
• I was eating supper the other day and looked down at the bottom of my island in my kitchen and noted the board was wet....??? We can't figure out where this water is coming from, since it is nowhere near the refridge...
• Mom called me at work yest and said, Sherry, all under your bathroom sink is soaking wet, but I can't figure out where it is coming from....
  
• My heater on the van is stuck on Defrost and the back heater will only work if I am accelerating
  
• My bathroom heater tore up....
• My curling iron tore up...

All this happened within a week....ARG!!!! So What in the world am I supposed to learn...?