Thankful..

The things I am thankful for are totally different this year...I am thankful for many things but here are a few...

• That I have two children...cause I have to be strong for them and without them, I would be in a mental ward somewhere...
• That I still have emotions to feel anger and hurt and sadness...that means I haven't went totally out of my mind yet
• That my children still have a relationship with their father
• That my home has seen love...lots of it...at least that is what I thought...
• That I am alive, although most of the time I feel dead on the inside
• That God is still in control...although I have a hard time letting Him take control
• That my secrets are revealed only to God and he has forgiven me and understands me like no one else
• That my pride is not as powerful over me as I thought it was...
• That I still have to hold my head up, no matter what I think people think of me...
• That I have a church to go to that helps me carry my burden

Me and him...

This is a casual picture of me and him at the Fun Fest 08 in Kpt, TN. I really thought everything was perfect...or did I? I don't think I focused enough on my relationship...just took it for granted that we would always be together...

I miss this man soo much!!!!!

Had a bad day yesterday...just lonely...you know what I mean...I told someone it is like half of me is disconnected from my body. There is not 15 minutes that go by that he is not in my mind...hard day!!! This is one of my favorite pictures of him that I took a while back...he doesn't have his beard here...

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches

This church is about 1 1/2 miles from my house. It sets up on the hill in the old Persia Community. Tom has preached here one time.

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches

This is a church that is defunct...is that the correct word? LOL In other words, it is closed down. I am not even sure what the name of it is...

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches

This is a church that sits about 3 miles from me in another direction. It is called Dodson Creek United Methodist Church. I really wasn't trying to get it to look spooky, but I did like the grungy affect here...

Photo opportunity...Neighborhood Churches

This is a church about 3 miles from my house...It is called Hugh's Memorial Primitive Baptist Church. It is actually pastored by my first cousin's husband. Tom has preached here before and has also held revival here. It just looked to pretty sitting in the trees in the fall, I couldn't resist a picture session.

Word for the day: Forgiveness

So I am at home the other night thinking of a recent heated conversation between me and Tom. I realize that I am so full of ANGER at him, that I can barely even speak civil to him. I realized that I needed to find forgiveness in my heart. For what? Because I am so mad at him for leaving, mad at him for giving up, mad at him for everything... So, I am praying as of last night for God to help me find forgiveness in my heart for him. There is no way that anything is going to change unless my anger is dissipated and forgiveness takes place...Of course I turn to the Bible to find out what I should do...the first thing I decide to look up says to "forgive as Christ forgave you"...well, that hit a raw note...I mean, I really do feel that God has forgiven me for my mistakes. I have even forgiven myself. But what if Christ had not have forgiven me??? And here I am not forgiving Tom...But yes, that is easier said than done, so I am gonna pray about it because I know that coming to the realization of something is the first step in correcting the problem. I was looking thru my sermon journal that I keep in my Bible and came across a sermon preached at the church by E. McAmis and he had made a statement about forgiveness...When Christ forgives you, it is as if a chalkboard is wiped clean. So, in other words, I felt like I have to treat and feel towards Tom as if he has/ we have a clean slate. Gosh, that will be hard, and I won't be able to do it on my own!!!!

The Shack...

This is what I am currently reading...go check it out...everything I have heard about it is good, so I am on the second chapter...The Book is called The Shack...go read it...or borrow mine when I get done!!! LOL Notice I have lots more time to read since I don't have Tom around...kinda keeps me busy...gotta stay occupied. Gotta keep my mind occupied...

Fireproof

Click here to see a movie trailer...or go to the site...

The Arts

This is the second book in the series that I have just finished reading. They are good, but not so good that I can't put it down, know what I mean... so if you want to read a book that you can put down, just a casual read, this series is good. I do think it is good for teenagers, (which is the target audience) since it does deal with the fact of parents and teens...
The other Art I experienced this weekend was the movies...Before Tom moved out, I had asked him to go see a movie with me. It was called Fireproof and it was made by the same church who produced "Facing the Giants".
It is one of my favorite movies, and now the new movie, Fireproof, is again a very good movie that I think every married person should see. No, for those of you who want to know, it did nothing for Tom. LOL
So, go see Fireproof, or rent it as soon as it comes out...it is worth it.

Book I am reading...

I have just finished the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and it is a pretty good book.
It did keep my attention, so I have started on the second in the series called The Second Summer of the Sisterhood... here is a link to go read about the characters and decide if you want to read it... Anyway, that's what I am doing these days...

"Strive to enter in"

I went to church at our church last night, even though Tom is no longer Pastor there, he was working, so me and the kids went...Morgan said when she got in the car, "how wonderful it was to see everyone!" Lukas agreed and it made me glad I went. There is so much love there. But anyway, I felt like the sermon was just for me. He preached on "Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13;24 " He had alot of good thoughts and the one that stuck out most is an illustration by John Bunyan and I can't find it online, but it was about the "narrow road" and how there wasn't enough room on it for me and my sins...also how much an Olympian strives to get his body prepared to win the gold and how hard this is...I do not strive near as hard as I should in my christian walk with God. Another statement he made was "This is not a passive religion" If there is not some kind of movement, feeling, striving, pressing then do we have what it takes? Anyway, I was blessed....Thanks to God. The crowd was really good last night and this made me feel good to see people still coming, not just for Tom. The verse keeps coming to me that He places all members in the body as he sees fit (But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. ICor 12;18) and I can see how God has definitly placed people in certain positions, even if it is just to pray or sing in chior and we have to trust that God knows what he is doing...we have to trust that He is in control and knows where he wants us. Please continue to pray for us...me, Tom and kids...nothing is any better, we just need prayer.

Loftin, my great nephew

I have pictures of the cute little man!!!! He is gorgeous!!! And looks just like Sierra! He is the cutest little thing!!! He is getting big enough to sit up and smile at you when you talk to him! Of course I love to take pictures of babies, so here they are!

My Fall Field Trip...

I did go on a field trip the other day with the 4th and 5th graders...It was to a Civil War re-enactment...Beautiful day and I saw this photo op and decided to shoot. I thought it was pretty...kinda made me wish I was a maiden about to be swept off my feet....trouble is, it would probably take all these horses to do it!!!! HA!!!!!

Lukas Super Bowl

Last night the Cowboys fell to the Vikings...got a few cool pictures....I was afraid Lukas would be disappointed that they lost, but he told me on the way home..."I'm not too sad that we lost..." I said, well, good and explained to him how that was being nice and that he had won the Super Bowl last year and that it was nice of him to give others a chance...(being the nice little mommy that I am!!! LOL) The last picture is his spot on the banner...with his little bitty signature, like his daddy....

Doing better today...

I seem to be doing better today emotionally...thanks for your prayers, but please don't stop, I need them so bad, still...Love you all!
Last night my verse that I opened the Bible to said...And the God of peace will bruise Satan under your feet shortly...(Romans 16;20) I think it is just so encouraging to know that I can just pop open my bible and ask him for something to help me and this is the type of things I get...Wonderful, Merciful Saviour

CroptoberFest/Scrapbooking weekend

My scrapping weekend! How great it was to go and get some stress relief...I feel so much better and able to deal a little better. Is that bad? I hope not! This was my ninth year!!! I can't believer that it has been that long...I have created some great friendships and in some ways, I can be more myself with them, cause I don't have any expectations to live up to...does that make sense? There are 4 other ladies there that are named Sherry...I will tell you that story later, when I have my camera to post the picture. I got 15 pages done, I think...I also found a machine I MUST have...and since it cost way too much money I guess I will have to just dream about one and one day maybe I can get it...when my rich uncle gets out of the poor house...LOL
Croptoberfest is at a baptist youth camp, named as Camp BaYoCa, hence the first two letters of baptist youth camp...and it is in the mountains of Wears Valley...no phone service...no phone period in the area where we stay...we stay in bunkhouses that have 8 bunks in each side...bathroom with two showers and stalls... then we scrap in the dining hall...we just basically leave our stuff out all weekend and scrap as we want to all weekend...we borry other tools and ideas from everyone else...demos from other people are cool too...
so anyway, here are some pictures of layouts I done at the fest... the first one is a two page spread of Jaida on this last Easter... it was still kinda nippy, hence the jacket...

God's Will...

I am not in the best shape this morning, but I am functioning...Thank God...
Tom resigned from the church yesterday. He was feeling so much pressure from "life" he almost could not handle just breathing....I don't know what God's will is, but rest assured it will be for the best...remember, all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. He did say he felt relieved...Tom has alot of other decisions to make that are gonna affect me and his family in the coming months, please pray again for God's will. I have talked to him till I'm blue in the face, but the problem is that it is hard to lie to God...and when you want something totally different from God's will, it is very hard to accept...Tom doesn't even want to pray for the right thing to do, because he knows what is right and that God may send him in the "right direction". I told him last night I was gonna pray the "wrath of God" down on him...LOL.
I am not saying I know God's will, but there are some things and ways that you just know is not God's will...he kept saying "what if" last night...I said, Tom, that is just the devil telling you that, because God would not approve that!" So, please just pray....He has agreed to make a final decision by the first of the year. This will be a very trying time for me and I will need all the prayers you care to give me!Oh, and I don't want to forget the kids...Morgan and Lukas had a really hard time, Lukas more than Morgan...he cried for most of the day yesterday and his little eyes were still red this morning....broke my heart..Please pray for them...Morgan is more like Tom and keeps her feelings in and Lukas is more like me and has a softer heart....Kinda weird...I wouldn't have thought that I had a soft heart. I don't think I do, it is just that I can only take so much and then I do break down...
So as of now, I am no longer a Pastor's Wife...

I can't make it...

I am at my wits end...I don't feel I can make it another step. I have stood all I can take...I am gonna have to give up... I am hanging on by a thread...It is starting to break...What am I gonna do? I am crying out to God, and feel that He is there, but I need strength to hang on...I need help, so bad...not just me, but the ones involved...I again asked God to let me read something last night that would help me...and he said "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap if we faint not." Galatians 6:9. So, yes, God is here... He is helping me...But why is the devil fighting so much??? I truly would like to know the future in cases like this...so I would know if I am gonna have to give up anyway. Is it even worth fighting for? I am a nervous wreck. I am sick constantly. I know my face shows worry signs all the time...I need to give up..for my saneness...
I have fell in a pit of quick sand and can't get out. I think I am near the top, then I loose my grip and sink back in. I can't pull out...I can't make it any longer. Please, God, help me. Please...