Marriage, a Gift from God...

This marriage is my second...to the same man...the devil tried to destroy us...but God won again...I'm happy

Hard Sunday

I have never found it easy to go to church on Sunday to the place were Tom pastored...I see the spot where he sat and miss him so bad...not as a husband, but as a pastor...There are songs that the choir sings that brings back so many memories and I really had a tough time yesterday handling it...The choir was full, you could feel God in the building and I knew that if Tom were there, it would be a service where he was so pleased/blessed... We started singing the first song in the choir and I broke down..just couldn't sing...just missed my pastor so bad...In his seat was another preacher who is filling in for the church...and of course he was totally enjoying the singing...it was so hard...that should have been Tom...
Morgan told me the same thing...that it was hard for her, because when we sing "How Great Thou Art" that she could remember Tom standing up and worshipping while we sang....
On my way to work this morning, I just questioned God...God, am I supposed to move on? or hang on?? What is the path that my life is supposed to take? I am just so ...I don't know...I just don't know... As I lay in bed last night, on my side of the bed, I realized it had been almost 6 months....6 months that I feel I am just existing...I am getting better at existing...I am dealing with it better...but I could really not believe that it has been almost 6 months since I have laid beside him in 0ur bed...6 months since I have lived...6 months of being alone...feeling sooo lonely...can I even hang on? I sometimes do wish that if I were to die, it would be a better route to take...I hate living without him in my world. 49 days till he will be free of me forever... I know, some people feel that I should be over this...but you all have to realize that Tom was my life...I have loved him since he was 12 years old. He was my strong hold...he was defense tower...he was my rock...he kept me sane...I always told him I would never make it without him..that I couldnt live without him...and here I am ...and it's been 6 months...
Ok, I know you all are tired of hearing about it...just a hard day..had to get some emotions out...

Me and him...

This is a casual picture of me and him at the Fun Fest 08 in Kpt, TN. I really thought everything was perfect...or did I? I don't think I focused enough on my relationship...just took it for granted that we would always be together...

I miss this man soo much!!!!!

Had a bad day yesterday...just lonely...you know what I mean...I told someone it is like half of me is disconnected from my body. There is not 15 minutes that go by that he is not in my mind...hard day!!! This is one of my favorite pictures of him that I took a while back...he doesn't have his beard here...

Word for the day: Forgiveness

So I am at home the other night thinking of a recent heated conversation between me and Tom. I realize that I am so full of ANGER at him, that I can barely even speak civil to him. I realized that I needed to find forgiveness in my heart. For what? Because I am so mad at him for leaving, mad at him for giving up, mad at him for everything... So, I am praying as of last night for God to help me find forgiveness in my heart for him. There is no way that anything is going to change unless my anger is dissipated and forgiveness takes place...Of course I turn to the Bible to find out what I should do...the first thing I decide to look up says to "forgive as Christ forgave you"...well, that hit a raw note...I mean, I really do feel that God has forgiven me for my mistakes. I have even forgiven myself. But what if Christ had not have forgiven me??? And here I am not forgiving Tom...But yes, that is easier said than done, so I am gonna pray about it because I know that coming to the realization of something is the first step in correcting the problem. I was looking thru my sermon journal that I keep in my Bible and came across a sermon preached at the church by E. McAmis and he had made a statement about forgiveness...When Christ forgives you, it is as if a chalkboard is wiped clean. So, in other words, I felt like I have to treat and feel towards Tom as if he has/ we have a clean slate. Gosh, that will be hard, and I won't be able to do it on my own!!!!

God's Will...

I am not in the best shape this morning, but I am functioning...Thank God...
Tom resigned from the church yesterday. He was feeling so much pressure from "life" he almost could not handle just breathing....I don't know what God's will is, but rest assured it will be for the best...remember, all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. He did say he felt relieved...Tom has alot of other decisions to make that are gonna affect me and his family in the coming months, please pray again for God's will. I have talked to him till I'm blue in the face, but the problem is that it is hard to lie to God...and when you want something totally different from God's will, it is very hard to accept...Tom doesn't even want to pray for the right thing to do, because he knows what is right and that God may send him in the "right direction". I told him last night I was gonna pray the "wrath of God" down on him...LOL.
I am not saying I know God's will, but there are some things and ways that you just know is not God's will...he kept saying "what if" last night...I said, Tom, that is just the devil telling you that, because God would not approve that!" So, please just pray....He has agreed to make a final decision by the first of the year. This will be a very trying time for me and I will need all the prayers you care to give me!Oh, and I don't want to forget the kids...Morgan and Lukas had a really hard time, Lukas more than Morgan...he cried for most of the day yesterday and his little eyes were still red this morning....broke my heart..Please pray for them...Morgan is more like Tom and keeps her feelings in and Lukas is more like me and has a softer heart....Kinda weird...I wouldn't have thought that I had a soft heart. I don't think I do, it is just that I can only take so much and then I do break down...
So as of now, I am no longer a Pastor's Wife...

This week...

Monday, Morgan had volleyball practice till 5pm, Lukas had to be at football field at 4:45pm...Morgan then had a birthday party to go to at the park at 6pm...She ended up walking with a bunch of her friends to the park...Lukas won his ballgame by 2 points. It was a really good second half. He played the Vikings. They are a real challenge this year. I tried to mow some with the push mower when I got home. Accomplished a little, then it was too dark to see.
Tuesday, Morgan had a hormonal breakdown early in the morning...mostly because I had told her that her duffel bag was not to be used as a book bag and the strap came loose as she was going up the steps to catch the bus...well, this was icing on the cake, because she had already gotten up with only 30 minutes to get ready for the bus. Tom had told me last night that he couldn't take the kids this morning, so I went up and set her clock for 5:30 and her phone for 6:00...still she didn't get up.
So after having a screamin fit, saying "Why does my life have to be this way??? I can't handle it" I just told her to come back inside and I motioned for the bus to go on. (then all day I worried about Lukas, since he was on the bus expecting the driver to wait on her) But, I left Morgan with Mom and Jaida and she had a day to rest. Lukas had practice this afternoon and Morgan actually went to sleep in the car while I studied my Intro to Psychology.
Wednesday, Tom called and said he was working the floor at the nursing home and if would be great if I could come in and work from 4pm-7pm...Morgan has practice this afternoon, so I picked up Lukas from school and this is what I done...got the Pal's on the way home to eat, since it was almost 8pm.
Thursday, I am so tired and I go straight home after having a bad day...chest pressure-wise, worried, and I get Morgan's fuzzy blanket and lay on my bed and doze off to sleep...Lukas comes home in about 10 minutes, but he doesn't wake me, although I hear him come in....then I wake up at 4:20 to take him to football practice. Morgan is gone to her game on the bus with the school. It was too far away and she isn't playing much on varsity anyway, so I didn't go.
At football practice, I can't go back to sleep in the car, so I read..I am reading Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks so I read some...Tom comes, which ends up not being a good idea at all. I go to the nursing home to take Lukas to see Tom since he has to work graveyard, which will make him working 24 hours, I go get him something to eat and decide to just work a little since I have to wait in town for Morgan to get back from her game...(they won) come home and can't sleep because of chest pressure and caffiene!!! Talk to Tom on the phone for a little while, then I toss and turn all night..
Friday, plan on going to the Cherokee Ballgame tonight since it is homecoming and the kids are saying all thier friends will be there...
Saturday, plan on going to Dollywood since Jason Crabb will be there in concert....

My BAD PIRATE!!!!!

ARG!!! Just had to share this with you Tom fans...knowing how I like the "bad boy" types...(shame on that preacher's wife!!!) I just love this picture...look at his lips, if that ain't a snarl, I don't know what is!!! Does he EVER smile for pictures???

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

"Tom's Leaving on a Jet plane and don't know if he'll be back again..." LOL, I am singing that song to him...He is leaving tomorrow for Madison, WI to do his clinicals for RN...I am so proud of him. He is scared..I rarely see this side of him...actually kind of vunerable...but I told him to charm the sox off the instructors and he will do fine!!! He will be back on Monday...oooh, I will miss that man...

Tom update...

Tom went back to work today, he was quiet a bit of pain on Sunday and Monday...They say the third day is the worst, so I hope he does okay today.... But anyway, it is swelling some and pulling the sutures tight...it is also got some redness around it...so I am concerned about infection...But, overall, he is doing better...Thank Goodness...I told him I was gonna put him in the nursing home if he didn't straighten up!!!!! LOL

Tennesse Chain Saw Massacre..well, not really...

I worked graveyard on Friday night at the nursing home. I had just gotten up about 3:30 pm on Satuday and was coming out of the bathroom, when Lukas came hollering..."Mom, come NOW, Daddy cut himself with a chain saw." So I ran outside, Tom is on the ground holding pressure on his leg...right above the knee. I can't really see how bad it is, cause of blue jeans...I yell for the kids to start getting me scissors, to cut jeans off, water and wet cloth, to clean it to see what is going on, pain medicine for him to go ahead and get it in his system... The scissors were so dull, I could harldly cut the jeans, they brought me a cloth with some water in a pickle jar (HOW was I supposed to get the cloth in that little bitty hole??) and of course when I got it cleaned off, he needed to go to the ER. So, I brushed my teeth while finding shoes, I didn't even comb my hair...but, hey, it was an emergency, right??? Luckily, Teresa was at the ER working, she was the nursign supervisor at the office job I had about 2 years ago. It always makes you feel more comfortable to see someone you know and have them taking care of ya!
The PA asked the kids to step out...they wanted to stay and watch...so I asked and he said ok...as long as they didn't mind being grossed out...I warned the Morgan and Lukas that if they felt any bit sick or woozy, to let me know...I also told them if I said sit down, for them to sit down right in the floor...I was gonna make sure I didn't see any white lips, pale faces, etc. They both did fine...Lukas went out one time looking for a water fountain, but I didn't think it was because of sickness or anything...well, when the PA got everything sewed up and Lukas put his head on my chest on the verge of tears..."Mommy, I feel like I am gonna puke" OKAY, LETS GET Out of here!!!!! Out of the room we went, and in the middle of the hallway, he started gagging....LUKAS, don't you puke in this floor, THE Bathroom is Right HERE!!!!! I put my hand under his mouth, like I could hold it all in there...
He did make it to the bathroom, and after washing his face with cold water, he got some color back...and we took him outside to get some air... he was okay..but he says he DON"T want to be a Dr. Morgan, on the other hand, is all ready to become a surgeon...she loved it!